


Lazer Quest

by yorkisms



Series: Lazer Team Fantasy/Dungeons and Dragons AU [4]
Category: Lazer Team (2015)
Genre: (people will call it d&d but it's really a medley of d&d and my own ideas), Catfolk Ranger!Mindy, Fantasy AU, Genre-Swap AU, Half-Elf Sorcerer!Woody, Half-Orc Barbarian!Zach, Multi, Paladin!Adam, Paladin!Hagan, Slightly violent in the future, Tiefling Rogue!Herman, What else is new, and swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-21
Updated: 2016-08-21
Packaged: 2018-07-25 18:07:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 17,849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7542694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yorkisms/pseuds/yorkisms
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just outside the village of Milford is the forest. In the forest, there's said to be a treasure. By all counts, the wrong people go looking for it. The wrong people find it. </p><p>Now the adventurer who /was/ coming for it has to help them, because they can't get rid of this stupid treasure, and the only creatures who might be able to help are an eternity of travel away. </p><p>Cue- wait for it- a quest.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> I've been posting about this AU on my tumblr for a WHILE now and so, I've been peer pressured into writing it and posting it. (Find all that in my tag here: http://mttbrand-suffering.tumblr.com/tagged/lazer-quest)
> 
> This prologue is the first teaser I wrote, just because it already has all the leadup I need.

In the village to the West, there's wide streets and small buildings and a town itself that sprawls out over the grasslands and edges into the forest. The residents say there's magic deep in the woods, which likely began as a story due to the fact that a population of catfolk live there.

Catfolk have lived in the forest, or so the stories say, since time immemorial. The thick trees are ideal homes for this feline-humanoid race, inclined to a hunter-gatherer life. 

Most of them live deeper-in the forest, the catfolk aren't unused to magic like many of the humans of Milford. They enjoy its presence, in fact, the unique natural life of their forest. 

Most of the catfolk live deeper in the forest. 

If you were to journey into the forest, south-west of Milford and straight on for a mile or so, never straying from the path, you'd come into the near-edge of the forest. If you looked up, you'd see a treehouse complex fairly reminiscent of the Swiss Family Robinson. 

The inhabitants- well, one of them- so rarely ventured out, but on a Saturday you might expect to meet a young catfolk girl- slightly more human than the rest, since her father whom she had just said goodbye to was in fact human- at the bottom of the vines. 

Her father, a human recluse, had retreated to the forest some years before her birth, and now almost never leaves the forest proper.

That is to say nothing for his daughter, who heads to the market with a spring in her step, waving up at the balcony where he is watching her leave. 

"Bye daddy!" she calls, lowering herself into a quick run.

"Be careful, Mindy," he calls, still warning her, but she's half-gone already.

He sighs and retreats into the house.

The road to Milford is quick and goes quick with Mindy's- ahem- catlike agility. She's very excited to get to the market, where she sells the week's catches- well, anything that hasn't been eaten yet. The deer meat she prepares is very much enjoyed, even by those in Milford who wouldn't like to admit that half their meals are brought to them by one of the catfolk. With the migratory nature of their feline neighbors- the catfolk moving around inside the forest and not remaining on the edge- they can pretend that the catfolk do not exist.

Milford is majority populated by humans who aren't quite as fond of non-humans. 

Either way, Mindy arrives at the market and quickly sets up from the stock she's brought today. 

And right on time, at what she's pretty sure is sunhigh on the dot, her favorite customer arrives.

Mindy leans forwards over the counter, a slight purr running through her frame. 

"D'you have deer jerky this week?" Milford's (in)famous half-orc asks, and Mindy snickers, taking the silver coin he's laid on the counter. 

"For you, Zach? I'll always have deer jerky." 

Zach grins in a lopsided manner as Mindy produces his food and tosses the pouch across the counter to him. He catches it, of course, it's part of their routine as is.

She leans back over to him, half-hoping he can stay and chat. She'd hope that he'd help, but he never does, anyway, just sits in her wagon and talks while she works. It's too bad, too, she could always pretend she needs his help to lift those deer she carries home on the daily. That's a good way to flirt with the strongest guy in the town- and the one who never lets anyone forget about it. 

"Hey- pig-boy, housecat, break it up," someone snaps, referring to how they're very, very close to kissing at the moment. Zach breaks eye contact with her, then proceeds to slam his hand down on the counter of her stall in a slightly threatening manner. He growls. The person leaves, likely to avoid a scene. 

"I should go," he admits. "I gotta. But come down to the tavern for dinner before you go, okay? I'm sure your dad won't mind if you get dinner before you come home."

He normally never does, admittedly, since the market runs late and he can hardly blame her for grabbing food in the village instead. The town she's oddly fascinated by.

"I will," she says, very clearly pleased. "Sundown."

His grin grows. "Sundown. And I'm buying." 

She stands up, surprised. "Do you have that kind of coin?"

"You don't need to worry about that," he replies smoothly, with a bit of a wink. Before she can lean forwards again with a frown and tell him not to spend the money he earns doing- whatever he does- on buying her dinner at a spot that most likely jacks up their prices for the two of them, he's already gone.

She wouldn't expect someone as big as Zach to move so quickly, but somehow, he does. 

She assumes he wanted to avoid the question. 

She sighs, shakes her head, and gets back to work.

At sundown she arrives at the tavern with more money than the morning and her wagon empty. He's waiting outside for her, leaning on the door and smirking like a cat that got the cream.

Mindy has to admit it's pretty cute when he does that. 

She sets down her wagon and approaches him easily, wearing a pleased smile. 

"I was beginning to think you wouldn't make it," he teases, and she bats the back of his head playfully. 

"It's not that dark yet."

She notices a carriage- well, almost a carriage, more like a covered wagon- parked outside, horses tethered, and she pauses. Zach notices. 

"Yeah, I dunno. That was there when I got here. Must be travellers."

Mindy shrugs. "It must be."

The tavern was smoky inside, and dimly lit, although that wasn't entirely unexpected. Zach guided her to the back of the room and sat them both down.

"I'm glad you came," he says, and she practically purrs, her tail twitching. 

"You're my best customer," she says slyly. "How can I refuse you dinner after you've paid for years of supplies?"

The twitch at the corner of her mouth gives her away, and they both burst into laughter. 

They are interrupted, though, by the sound of an argument between the owner and a customer.

"Listen, fiendling," the owner says loudly, "You owe five silvers." 

Mindy has never entirely left either Milford or the woods, her life is split between the two. But she has read and read and read, and her father has talked, sparingly, about the things he saw when he traveled. 

So she's not entirely innocent, one, and two, she recognizes that the customer is a being known as a tiefling. 

It had taken her father longer to discuss tieflings, and Mindy couldn't say why. When he did, it was a short phrase or two. 

Tieflings are creatures of some fiendish or demonic ancestry, in the more distant sense than Mindy's catfolk ancestry. She has the idea in her head that, despite misconceptions about other races, respect was king and key. 

So she frowns, naturally, at the use of the insult, and when the tiefling folds his arms and flicks his tail angrily, she downright glares. 

"Bullshit I do," he growls. "I paid. Two gold like the sign says." 

"No you didn't," the owner snaps. The tiefling nudges the creature accompanying him, a boy with light brown hair and an almost angelic appearance, and if

Mindy doesn't know better she'd think he's completely human. But she notes a slight point to his ears, and thinks that it's most likely he's of elvish descent. 

"Woody. I handed him two gold, right?"

Woody seems to snap to attention, and still seated he looks up at the tiefling. 

"You-- yeah, you did." 

Zach follows Mindy's gaze. He sighs. 

"God, I hate this bullshit town." 

Mindy makes a small noise of surprise. 

"I mean, who wouldn't?" Zach exclaims, as Mindy watches the tiefling limp away, dragging the elf boy out of the establishment. They're both followed by the owner, who shouts angry words that make even Zach flinch. 

"Exhibit A." 

"So you want to get out of here?" she says. They've never discussed it before, but she's thought about it. She wishes she could, but she's not sure what to do about her father. He is adamant, as usual, that he never wants to explore again, and she can't fathom why. 

"Yeah," Zach declares. "Yeah. Someday soon I'm gonna ditch this bullshit little town."

"Soon?" Mindy asks, raising her eyes to look at him. He looks serious.

"Pretty fuckin' soon."


	2. Into the Woods, Without Delay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...and make sure not to lose your way.
> 
> The woods are just trees, the trees are just wood, I have no fears-  
> (But maybe you should.)
> 
> [Adapted from Into the Woods]

Monday morning, Zach, the tiefling traveler, and his elven companion are setting off down the path to the woods.

Mindy had taken her food to go, she had said she didn't want to worry her dad, and it was nothing personal- Zach favored his chances, actually. He had stepped outside having taken his dinner and overheard the travelers discussing their plan to find an alleged treasure in the woods. Zach, contrary to what everyone around town was inclined to think, wasn't about to pass up an opportunity. 

He offered to help them through the woods which he knew from Mindy's stories in exchange for just enough gold to take him far away from Milford. 

And here they all were. 

They pass the treehouse, Mindy at the bottom of the ladder. 

"Zach? What are you doing here-"

"Don' worry about it."

When she frowns, he waves it off, and she sighs. Her ears prick up, though, and she nocks an arrow, moving off into the brush. 

"Your girlfriend?" The tiefling says with a raised eyebrow. Zach rolls his eyes. 

"Shove it, brimstone breath, you wanna find the temple or not?" 

Zach's ask is met with silence, to which he mutters, "Thought so."

Before he can react, he's pinned up against the ladder. 

"Listen, runt, talk like that again and you won't get enough gold out of us to escape this fucking _forest_."

Zach pushes him off easily. 

Woody interrupts quickly, still slightly nervous. 

"Herman, we-- we're losing the light," he says. It's still the early hours of the morning, the weather is crisp and cool, but they both know what he means.  
This is the kind of trip where they need to get in and out in one day. 

"Fine," Zach says, rolling his sword shoulder.

"Fine," Herman growls, limping ahead. 

The sun rises, and then starts to sink. They walk on in mostly silence, at a slower pace since Herman's limp slows their pace. 

Shortly after sunhigh, Herman's ears prick up at the sound of a snapping twig. He stops, tail swishing about an inch or so above the fallen leaves. Sunlight filters lazily through the thick canopy.

"What's that." 

Zach and Woody, in front of him, stop as well, and Herman turns around, running into a faceful of sword. Herman's eyes travel down the silver blade, to the lighter silver carvings, to the hand on the hilt, to the familiar face. 

As soon as his eyes meet the human's, an expression of pure shock and- is that fear? 

Woody blinks at the anger that creases Herman's face. 

Without a second thought, Herman pushes the sword to the side, a ball of fire magic materializing in his spare hand. The other two can't see Herman's eyes turn completely black, but the newcomer can. 

"What are you doing here, halfass-"

The newcomer seems unfazed, raising his sword again. 

"You're telling me you weren't outside my house not even two hours ago arguing with him?" 

Herman growls louder this time, pointing his tail threateningly at the human.

Zach and Woody try to process, looking at Herman's rival. He's wearing full armor, is completely human, and- they're both unsure of exactly what's going on, anyway.

"Get out of my way, halfass," Herman snarls. "You're standing between me and retiring in luxury."

"The temple is dangerous," the human counters, "The catfolk talk about it."

"Is this where you've been hiding all these years, talking to the fucking- catfolk?"

"Watch your mouth, Herman," the human growls, and Zach's eyes widen.

"You're Mindy's dad."

"You know this blank?"

"Yeah," Zach says, "By reputation." 

"Well punk, meet _half-ass Hagan_ , the worst paladin this side of the sea."

"You don't need to be like that-"

"Do I?"

Herman turns away and limps ahead, motioning for Zach and Woody. "Come on. Let's get to the stupid temple."

Woody follows immediately. Zach pauses and makes eye contact with Hagan before half-shrugging and loping off after them. Hagan sighs, and follows. 

\- 

The temple is overgrown with vines, old and crumbling and decrepit. Hagan looks apprehensive, which really doesn't count for anything with the other three. Zach moves up the steps fastest, Woody helps Herman up, and Hagan considers his options before following them still, muttering about how they really shouldn't be doing this. 

He's really only here, he tells himself, to keep them from getting themselves killed.

The door at the top of the temple is solid stone, Herman runs his hands along it looking for a way in before Zach elbows him to the side. 

"Dude, c'mon, this is easy."

The door crumbles easily under a few blows from Zach, and all he does in reply is brush off his right hand. 

"See? Who's the runt now, tail-for-brains."

Herman growls softly. 

The temple opens out before them, a large drop to faintly glowing lava below. Carvings cover the walls of this large circular room, four paths leading to the center. 

Distantly, at the center, the four can see a rather lacking suit of armor, clearly intended to be worn with other armor. 

There's a sword, a shield, boots which glow faintly with magic, and some kind of magic necklace, as far as they can make out. Zach grins. 

"Dibs on that sword."

"Is that it, then?" Woody asks, over-dramatically quiet. 

"No, it's another magic suit of armor hidden behind whatever fuckin' traps are out there in the middle of the fuckin forest, dumbass," Zach says, cuffing Woody on the back of his head. 

Herman runs his hands over the carvings. 

"We're gonna need to get to the center."

"This is a bad idea," Hagan says. Herman glares.

"Who asked you, half-ass."


	3. Swords and Shields

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> -And so the balance shifts.
> 
> [Adapted from Guns and Ships, Hamilton]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm gonna try and stick to one update a day for a bit until I have to go to A Thing next week. But hey, here's chapter 2.

"It looks easy," Zach complains. "Just jump across the platforms." 

"It's not," Herman snaps. "Some of them are false. We have to get around them."

"Doesn't look like you're jumping anywhere," Zach points out, and while Herman glares, only Woody sees Hagan wince. 

"I made it this far." 

Herman pauses, thinking. 

"Hey, Woody, what's that little cantrip you can do with the hand?"

Woody stiffens, then sheepishly rubs the back of his head. 

"Uh...I dunno if I can make it last long enough to make trips for everything, Herman. It's not- I-" he sighs.

"I can...try?"

Herman grins. "Go for those boots first, mkay?"

"I'll try," Woody mumbles, moving towards the edge of the cliff and concentrating. 

His eyes turned a lightish blue, a large hand of the same color materializing over the armor. Woody closes his eyes and focuses as the hand begins to work. It manages to grab a few things that the group can't quite make out, and is returning when the temple shakes.

"Run," Hagan advises, pulling Woody away. Zach sighs, lifting Herman easily. They exit, followed by the hand as the stone begins to crumble. 

What feels like a moment later they've tripped their way down the steps and over each other, lying down and panting. Woody sits up first and looks at the hand. The hand's form fuzzes out momentarily, a shield falls out of its grasp and hits Hagan square in the chest. He wheezes on impact, and Herman laughs. 

"Let's see what we got."

Woody sets the remaining artifacts down, and Zach grabs the sword, tossing it from hand to hand. 

"It's a little unbalanced, but I can get used to it."

Herman looks at the length of Zach's blade with shock before shrugging. "You can carry it, you can keep it, man."

Zach grins. "Sweet."

Woody blinks the magic out of his eyes and gently lifts a necklace. 

"The hell is that?" Zach comments. Woody pauses. 

"It's a, um- what's the word- amer- amber-"

"Woody, it's called an amulet," Herman supplies, examining the boots.

Woody nods quickly. "Yeah, it's supposed to help magic. -Too bad I don't have much use for it."

"Huh?"

"They don't really work for me," Woody mumbles. "Magic doesn't...work."

"It's fine," Herman says reassuringly. "We can always sell it."

Hagan finally interjects. "I told you this was a bad idea, Herman-"

"No one asked you."

Hagan sighs, lifting the shield. 

"You can't even arrest us. You know shit like this is fair game." 

Hagan frowns, then shoves the shield over to Zach, who puts it on his back. 

"I'm going home."

"Good riddance."

-

As they make their way back, minus Hagan, the sun is setting. Herman immediately sells his boots for gold, which he splits evenly between himself, Zach, and Woody. 

"You gonna sell anything?" Herman asks. Zach shrugs.

"Eh. Don't care about the shield."

Zach reaches around his back to find that the shield is gone. 

"The fuck?"

"Did it fall off?"

"No, idiot, I would have noticed if it had _fallen off_ -"

"Then where is it?"

"I don't know!"

Herman sighs. "Back to the stupid forest."

As they're walking out of town, Hagan comes up the road, holding the shield. 

"Halfass," Herman comments, swiping the shield out of his hand, "I didn't know you were a thief."

"I didn't steal it, _Herman_ ," Hagan grits out. "It appeared in my house after you idiots left." 

Woody's eyes widen, one hand going to the amulet unconsciously. 

"How does that happen," Zach grumbles. 

"Magic," Woody answers easily, and everyone stares. "A complex spell to bond the pieves to the first person they touch- agh." 

He rubs his temple. "Owww." 

Herman checks his bag, and pulls out the boots. 

"Oh, now that's a con." 

"You're ignoring the problem," Hagan says, "We're stuck with this stuff, and we don't know what it does-"

"Who gives a shit," Zach interrupts. "I wanna get out of this stupid town, and now I have the cash for it."

"Yeah, and you have a giant sword," Hagan says flatly. "And these two may not know about you, but I do." 

Zach snarls, one hand tightening on the hilt of said sword. "Listen, blank, you don't know anything. Milford's hell and I only fight because I'm forced to."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. You've never been to this hick shithole and even if you did you wouldn't hear a fucking thing. Every fucking Saturday I visit your daughter's fuckin' market and I dunno if she tells you but people treat her like _shit!_ "

Hagan blinks, and Herman mutters "He has a daughter?"

"You're not there when people call her half-breed or housecat or mutt, _I am_! And this isn't even about how I've been trying to bang her for like, three months, and I think she's into it, it's about fuckin' respecting us!"

"They say what." 

"Dude, welcome to the fuckin' present! Milford is shit if you're not human. Especially if you're half human! Newsflash! I know it better than you do!"

"I get the point."  
-

From the other side of town, a chesnut horse comes trotting in. It hitches up at the inn, and its rider- in full armor, dismounts. The plates clank together slightly. 

He looks out over the road towards the forest, and sees four figures on the road. He pauses casually, then his eyes widen on sight of the distinctive sword and shield. 

"No, no-"

He runs towards them.

-

"-that doesn't explain what the fuck we're supposed to do with this shit, get rid of it, or-"

"You four!" someone calls, and they all turn. Herman looks like he's had a powerful bowel movement. 

"Where did you get that armor," the stranger demands. 

"Who the fuck are you," Zach snarls.

"I am Adam of Crystaloake," the stranger says firmly. 

"And that armor belongs to _me_."


	4. Adam Refuted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you repeat yourself again I'm gonna scream.
> 
> [Adapted from Farmer Refuted, Hamilton]

"Dude, no way," Zach says. "You're full of shit."

Adam glares, and continues. "I came to retrieve that armor."

"Well," Herman says coldly, "We'd love to make you pay for it, but we just found out we can't do that."

"Yeah, so tough titties." 

Adam takes a deep breath.

"You can't do that why?"

"It comes back," Hagan says before one of the others can say anything. "Woody, what did you say it was?"

"A complex ancient bonding sp-ell, ow." 

"Hm." 

Adam thinks a moment before Hagan speaks again.

"Why is it- yours, exactly?"

"I'm a paladin of Yltos," Adam says. "I've sworn to find the magic armor that was hidden in this forest. It was to be a feat of glory the likes of which the world had never seen before, and its magic would serve the gods-"

"Half-ass, you're a paladin, what's he saying?"

"Former. Paladin." Hagan frowns. 

"My apologies," Adam offers, putting one fist over his heart in salute to Hagan, who shakes his head.

"Don't-- do that."

Hagan takes a deep breath. "I was a servant of Ylene."

"Was?"

The atmosphere tells everyone pretty succinctly that the topic is...personal. 

"I followed them into the temple to keep them from getting killed or worse. They didn't- we didn't- know what would happen."

Adam pauses again, deep in thought, before looking up.

"Has this town a council?"

All four nod.

"Tomorrow morning they will meet me," Adam says, as if it's set in stone, "And we will discuss the fate of the armor."

"Dude," Zach says, confused, "One, it's stuck to us, two, you can't just-"

"Yeah, who the fuck do you think you are?" Herman interrupts.

"Heir to the castle of Crystaloake, future duke of this land."

"He's got- he's got us there," Woody comments, still rubbing his head. "If- If his father the duke allows it he can claim whatever he wants, basically-"

"Come to the buildings of your town council at sunrise," Adam says, interrupting Woody. 

"We will decide then what to do."

"Well, fuck," Zach mutters. "Fucking son of a fuck."

-

The next morning, early, the unlikely (and unwilling) team are assembled at the (closed) doors of the largest building in town, where the most powerful citizens meet and make political decisions.

Hagan had put effort into arriving first (so that Zach and Herman wouldn't do anything stupid, he told himself), and, on a hunch, was wearing his armor. 

Herman and Woody arrive some time after Hagan does, Herman still sleepy. The tiefling does a double take at the sight of the armor, and wakes up after that.

"What're you, trying to fuck with me?"

Hagan sighs. "No. I may not- be as active, but I'm still a servant of Ylene, you know that."

"And?"

"And? I'm the best defense you have. The word of a justice officer against the future duke of the land is more difficult than his against criminals."  
Woody looks slightly guilty at that accusation, and Herman shrugs. 

"We're forbidden to lie," Hagan points out. 

"No, but you can leave." 

Hagan stiffens, and Herman grins, vicious. 

"Oi, Woody, once we get outta here, I got an idea. Maybe we should cross the sea. I got an idea for how we can live like kings."

"You wouldn't."

"Oh, I would."

Zach interrupts by approaching, the most awake. 

"So what, the guy calls us out at ass in the morning and makes us wait?"

"What're you doing so perky?" Herman mutters. 

"Nocturnal, mostly, dude." Zach smirks. "If I wanna be." 

"Bite me."

Before another argument can break out, the door opens, and Hagan approaches. 

"I've done things like this before," he says, mostly to assure a very nervous-looking Woody.

"Can you try and follow my lead?" 

Herman shrugs, and Zach makes a noncommittal hand motion.

"Close enough." 

Inside the room is pretty much everyone in Milford over fifty. Adam is standing on their side, facing the center where the four are now standing. 

"This is a property dispute," the head of council says. 

"Over that armor."

Everyone nods. 

"Is it true that you cannot give the marquess the armor?"

Nod. 

Hagan takes a step forwards. "As a servant of Ylene I am prepared to swear to it."

The council pauses.

"Because of your status and the claim that the armor was attached to them, we were prepared to give them into servitude," one council member says, and Herman's tail stiffens. 

"You _what_?" Herman says, his voice going up an octave.

"But he's of equal status to you. Is there any way you know of that you might be able to get the armor off of them."

Adam pauses. 

"To the east there's a hidden city the legend of the armor spoke of. Its creators live there. They should have answers."

"Fine," the head councilman says. "Do you want them with you?"

Adam thinks a moment, then nods. Everyone but Zach groans. 

" _Fuck yes_."

"What the hell is your problem?" 

"Dude, I've been trying to get outta here for fuckin' years! If-fuckin-only I had known to just go into the woods and grab this stupid armor!" he looks at Adam. 

"When do we leave?"

Adam thinks. 

"Tomorrow. Sunrise."

Herman groans. "Again with the sunrise."

"Have you horses?"

Woody looks sideways at Herman. 

"We-" he gestures to Herman, who is still seething at the comment about servitude, "Have a wagon."

"Bring it."

"Fine," Herman mutters. 

With that, they're shown out. 

Herman still looks pissed, tail-tip twitching. 

"Shit," he mutters. "C'mon, Woody."

"Who pissed in your drink," Zach mutters, moving away. 

Hagan rubs the bridge of his nose. 

This is going to be the headache of a century, he thinks, and he tried to give up adventuring.

Well, apparently it's found him alongside Herman. Apparently the two went hand in hand.

Great.


	5. Pity and Fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mistake, mistake, mistake.
> 
> [Pity and Fear, Death Cab for Cutie]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I think this is finally picking up a bit. Soon I can get into the bits of this AU I really like, such as the ships, the backstories, the team bonding and the sick banter. 
> 
> Thank god I made it through the exposition.

"Mindy, you're not going."

"Why not?"

"It's dangerous, for one."

"So what? I go hunting every day!"

"That's different."

Mindy's tail twitches irritably, and she shifts her bag up on her shoulder to fold her arms.

"Because?"

"Because killing an animal is not like potentially killing-"

"A person?"

"Yes!"

"You haven't killed anybody, have you?"

"No, but I've come close, and I don't appreciate it."

"I'll be fine! I'm coming!"

Hagan sighs. "Mindy, please."

"No. Daddy, I'm seventeen, I wanna travel."

His will is crumbling. She can tell. He sighs.

"Mindy..."

"I'm coming."

"Fine," Hagan sighs, resigned. He turns back to where his sword is leaned against their kitchen table, so that his daughter can't see the look of total fear in his eyes.

-

When they arrive at the spot where Herman's wagon is parked, Herman himself is sitting on the back while Woody is sitting on the front. Herman is drinking, and Woody waves with a friendly grin. In his other hand are the reins of two horses. Next to Woody, Zach sits up and winks at Mindy.

Hagan puts his bag with the others, in the back of Herman's wagon. Herman glares, but doesn't object. Mindy tosses hers on top of his and slides in next to Zach, who puts one arm around her. She purrs slightly, and leans into him. Hagan growls softly, looking away. Herman snickers, pleased.

"Adam's late," Herman points out, taking another drink. "Unsurprisingly." 

Adam appears himself a minute later, leading two horses, one white and one grey. He offers the reins of the grey one to Hagan, who takes it with relief.

"Why does half-ass get a horse?"

"Herman, you can't ride," Woody says innocently. "Because of your leg-"

Hagan lets out a small huff as he gets on the horse. 

Herman glares at Woody. "Shut up, man."

"It's fine," Zach says. "Here's good."

Adam mounts the white one, and points in the direction of the rising sun. 

"The road out of town is East, and then northeast. It should take us through a few towns before the road splits. At the split, one fork takes us straight to Antaria."

"Great," Herman mutters sarcastically, taking a drink. "Woody, let's go." 

Woody takes the reins into both of his hands. "Alright."

-

"Hey, Herman," Woody asks, watching Adam and Hagan trot ahead of the cart. "Have you tried your boots on yet?"

"Why would I do that?"

"Well, we're stuck with them, we might as well learn the advantages and disadvantages of-"

"Your voice changed," Zach interrupts. 

"It did?"

"Yeah, I think your stupid necklace changed your voice."

"I don't know about that-"

"What the fuck," Herman says, shrugging and pulling the boots out of his bag. "The hell have I got to lose."

"Your voice is definitely different," Zach continues. Woody shrugs. 

"It's not bad," Zach admits, "Just weird, dude."

"Hey, Woody," Herman says. Woody glances back. 

"What's that then?"

"My leg's stopped hurting, you wanna stop the cart?"

"What about-"

"I got it," Zach says. "YO HAGAN! ADAM!" 

The paladins stop, looking back, as Woody pulls the reins. 

Herman hops out of the back, circling the cart and the horses at high speed.

"My leg's healed, and whoo, that was fast-"

"Seriously?" Woody asks, looking surprised. "That's very powerful magic. Maybe it's only working while you wear-" he pauses, frowning to himself. 

"Ow..."

"Hey, dude, are you okay?" Zach asks.

Woody nods slowly. "It's..."

In the air in front of Woody and over the horses, a more intangible version of the giant hand from the temple flickers, fuzzy, then phases out into static. 

"Dammit." 

"Everything okay?" Adam asks. Woody nods. 

"Sometimes the magic just-" he motions with his hands. 

"It's a condition," Herman says, fiercely protective. "Just give him a minute, okay?" 

Adam nods. 

"Whenever you're ready." 

After the longest minute in existence, Woody looks up. "I'm fine. Let's keep going. It's better if we make it to Corvale before nightfall."  
Adam nods and turns his horse away. Mindy shrugs, looking at Zach. 

"Let's go, then."

-

The sun passes its zenith, and as it begins to sink they hit a snag. 

That snag being that their path is blocked by bandits- unsurprising, given how Adam looks the image of nobility and privilege. 

Originally, the plan was to calmly cooperate, to a point, but someone didn't give a certain hotheaded half-orc the memo, because upon being asked to give up his sword, he proceeds to punch the asker in the face. 

It goes downhill from there. 

The fight is short, and barely won on the part of the travelers- Zach spends most of it fistfighting instead of using his sword at all, Herman tries (and fails) to run away. Hagan is entirely on the defensive, and Woody attempts to cast spells with varying degrees of success.What really turns the tide is Adam and Mindy recovering their weapons. 

Something people- as in everyone present- tend to underestimate or forget about Mindy is that she's an excellent shot. She has to be, hunting every day since the age of ten. 

Once she recovers her bow and quiver, she leaves the bandits with wounds they won't soon forget and running. Adam removes the ones attacking Zach and Hagan, before turning to the group. 

"Is everyone okay?"

Woody is rubbing his head, likely an aftereffect of using his magic, and is forming bruises along his arms and some of his face. Zach is beat to hell, but at least he looks happier about it. Herman has sustained injuries of his own, and is busy throwing up in the bushes. Hagan just looks sore. 

Adam sighs, looking at Hagan.

"We should heal them."

"Yeah," Hagan groans, stretching his stiff and sore arms. 

"You should do that."

"Huh?"


	6. After Changes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After changes upon changes  
> We are more or less the same  
> After changes we are  
> More or less the same.
> 
> [The Boxer, Simon and Garfunkel]

"What do you mean you can't?"

"I can't," Hagan repeats, irritated. 

Adam looks a mix of confused and horrified, and Herman looks up. 

"What, half-ass, did you lose your powers?"

Hagan glares. "That's a crude way of putting it."

"I didn't think that was possible, I thought it was a legend," Adam says, horrified.

Zach wipes his bloody nose on one sleeve. "The fuck're you talkin' about?"

"Paladins sworn to a god can lose their powers if they displease their patron," Adam says, still in a state of shock.

Herman laughs, full of _schadenfreude_. "What'd you do, Hagan?"

"I don't know. But Adam, you'll have to heal."

Adam shrugs. "Alright."

Adam removes his gloves, revealing an aura of purplish magic around his hands. With one touch, he removes everyone's bruises and closes Zach's bloody nose. 

The magic fades, and Adam pulls his gloves back on.

Herman looks sideways at Hagan.

"Why didn't you ever-"

"Not now." 

"I don't know why that could happen," Adam offers, clearly with some pity. "Did you-"

"I've tried everything," Hagan says, indicating that the topic shouldn't be further discussed. 

As one last dig, though, Herman mutters "serves you right."

Hagan flinches.

"Don't think I won't cross the sea as soon as fuckboy leaves us alone."

"Yeah, Herman," Hagan replies, resigned. 

"Have fun with your reward."

"You bet I will."

"You need to work together," Adam says. "We won't even make it to Antaria if you can't."

"Good luck with that," Herman says flippantly. 

Zach wipes blood from his nose. 

"Do I really need a team to swing a big fuckin' sword? I thought you worked alone."

Adam shakes his head.  
"Nobody ever works alone. You need to trust someone to have your back when you're overwhelmed, to come for you when you can't do anything else. It's in the doctrine of my patron god Yltos that victory comes only through cooperation. Even if only one person completes the feat, he had someone supporting him."

"Or her," Mindy says, putting her bow over her shoulder. 

"And boys, that was pathetic."

"I agree," Adam says.

"We don't normally fight," Hagan points out. 

"No, we _run away_." 

"However," Woody interjects, "Adam is correct in his implication that we should train. The pieces of the armor are magically interacting as we speak. For all intents and purposes, they are a team."

"Then so should you be," Adam says firmly. Zach shrugs confidently. 

"Fine. Just don't be surprised when I fuckin' kill at this fightin' thing."

Mindy snickers, patting his shoulder in a faux-condescending manner. 

"Whatever you say, tiger."

-

That night instead of getting to the city, they sleep under the stars. Nearing moonhigh, Woody is still awake, magic sparkling in his eyes and racing through and around his body. It's too much to sleep through, he thinks. 

Herman is drinking still, just a bit.

"Are you okay."

Woody pauses, poking the embers of their fire with a stick. The flames hiss. 

"It's not that- _condition,_ that you told me about, is it?"

"Sort of." Woody pauses again. 

"Same problem, really. Just- there's more magic now. Like it should be. I should have control, but I don't."

"It's not dangerous?"

"I don't believe so."

Herman takes a drink. 

"It's the amulet." Woody toys with it with one hand, still staring into the fire. "It's fixing my magic."

"Well, the stupid suit fixed my leg," Herman points out, tapping his formerly-bad leg. 

"Guess it figured it'd fix you too."

-

Herman drives, the next day. It's cloudier and colder than the first, so the younger ones share a blanket in the back of the wagon and watch the road go by. Woody sleeps more now, but at some point in the afternoon Zach catches both him and Mindy awake. 

Zach looks of mischief now, clearly with something on his mind and up his sleeve, and the other two are listening attentively to whatever he has to say now. 

"Do you guys know what happened between Herman and Hagan? You're basically their kids anyway."

Mindy pauses and shakes her head, and Woody shrugs.

"He never talks about stuff that happened before we met. Other than his leg."

"If they have a history, that really explains why dad was not too happy to tell me about tieflings," Mindy comments. "But he doesn't talk about Herman. At all."

"Okay, well now I gotta know," Zach says, a smirk spreading across his face. 

"Are you guys in to help?"

Mindy curls her tail over her lap, thinking. 

"Yes."

Woody nods. "We could help settle their feud so that we can work better as a team."

Zach rubs his hands together. "Awesome."


	7. Defying Gravity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time to trust my instincts  
> Close my eyes  
> And leap...
> 
> [Defying Gravity, Wicked]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of plot resolution and silly filler before the shit kicks in.

The travel continues, still tense from the lack of teamwork between them- especially between Herman and Hagan. Everyone's grown used to Woody's magic flying around, glitching, even when he doesn't intend it. 

Eventually they stop for a stretch, and Woody isolates himself on the bank of a nearby river and tries hard to focus and control his magic. 

The stuff is errant and wild anyway, just by nature. Woody manages to rein in a significant portion of it before he sniffs and takes a break. 

He's shaking very hard, which he recognizes, but he feels the need to take control. He can eventually start to cast actual spells other than his small illusions that served Herman well over the years. But not when his magic doesn't listen. And he's definitely not used to having this much ability. 

"Are you okay?"

Woody pauses, then shakes his head in the interest of honesty. 

Zach flops down next to him. 

"It's your magic, right? Dunno much about magic, but I figured-"

Woody nods. 

"I grew up in Glassmere," Woody says quietly. "With the elves. There it's pathetic to lose control of your magic. Not unlike pissing yourself." 

"Oh."

"It's just a lot."

Zach pauses before putting one arm around Woody. 

"Deep breaths, dude."

Woody nods. He can feel the magic from the amulet that's settled in his bones calm, less like rapids and more like a brook. 

"You think you can handle it?"

"Yeah." Woody says, quiet. 

"Good. Kick its ass." 

Woody giggles weakly. "It's not quite like that-"

"Well, whatever you magic users do."

They sit there a few minutes more before Herman crashes through the trees to tell them that they're about to leave. 

As they leave, Woody falls asleep again, on Zach, and Zach's chest feels a little warm for a reason he can't quite say. 

There's no more magic errors. Woody has control after that. 

-

That night, they're less than a day's travel from the city. At the city, Adam explains, they'll stay a few days to stock up on resources and- for any other reason they might like, really. 

Their campfire is conveniently situated between some rocks, one of which Herman is seated on. He's gotten up, at the moment, to grab yet another drink from the wagon- where he keeps them baffles even Woody, who knows him. 

He steps up onto the rock as to go up and over, but instead of his feet hitting the floor, when he tries to step down, he hovers instead.

"Y'all are seeing this, right?"

Everyone is staring. Woody nods. 

"Well don't just fuckin' _stare_ ," Herman complains. "Get me _down._ "

Everyone continues to stare, and that's when Herman realizes he's even slightly higher. 

"You gotta be fuckin- Woody." 

He paces above the fire to where Woody is sitting. "There's a spell for this shit, right?" 

Woody's eyes widen, and he nods. "I think-"

"Then use it!" 

"Umm..."

"What," Hagan says, "Are you scared of heights?"

"I'm two feet off the damn ground! I'm not fuckin' scared, I just don't wanna do that shit right now!"

Zach snickers. 

"Shut your fuckin' mouth, Spencer!" 

"Um...I think I got it," Woody says. "Just- don't move?"

He raises his right hand and swipes it, palm-forwards, to the right. " _Halti-ke._ "

Herman drops to the ground, and lets out a loud cough as he sits up. "Dammit, Woody."

"Sorry. That, um, kind of made your boots less magic. But it'll wear off by the morning."

"Great," Herman mutters. "Stupid limp is back, but at least I'm not fuckin' flying." 

He dusts himself off and limps back to his seat. 

"Fuckin' great."


	8. King of the World

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I keep running around  
> Trying to find the ground  
> But my head is in the stars  
> And my feet are in the sky.
> 
> [King of the World, First Aid Kit]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic'll be taking a short hiatus of about a week while I do some traveling. Worry not! Lazer Quest will return: August 5.

Late the next morning, they arrive in Wildetown, the biggest city on their route. Adam arranges, by use of his wealth and power, for a place, and then releases them to do whatever they please.

Woody notices Herman hiding knives along his belt and the insides of his jacket, and frowns.

"What are you-"

Herman shushes him quietly to keep Hagan from noticing. 

"Well, my leg's fixed, I might as well go back to what I used to do."

"And that was..."

"Stealing, baby."

Herman shifts, pulling his clothes on properly. 

"I'll be around." 

He grins at Woody, and then vanishes.

The city streets are pretty narrow, which is a dream come true for Herman, who can steal as much as he likes that way. 

He circles the entire city like this, relaxing into his past habit. The people aren't used to a thief, let alone one who can move like he does. 

Herman with a mended leg and without the boots is fast.

Herman with the boots functional is impossible to catch, so even if he does screw up once or twice, it's easy to make it to the other side of the city and start over. 

He passes the day in this way, avoiding wherever his travel companions are.

He'd rather not deal with the lecture (that's inevitable) until he's done.

Fucking Hagan, he thinks to himself as he approaches another unsuspecting citizen. Never stopped being a wet blanket.

-

Herman returns in the evening to most everyone having bought more food and new weapons and armor. 

"You were stealing again," Hagan says accusatorily, and Herman barely even denies it. 

"Hell yeah I was." Herman produces bags of gold and silvers, putting them down in front of everyone.

Adam and Hagan remain unimpressed, but the kids don't. Woody's eyes are about the size of saucers, Mindy covers her mouth, and Zach's jaw drops. 

"Holy shit!" Zach finally comments.

"You haven't lost your touch," Hagan mutters. Herman grins at that comment.

"I sure haven't! Whoo, haven't even rusted in technique. You don't mess with that."

"I'm not using that money," Hagan says, juxtaposed comedically with Zach beginning to scoop coins into his bag.

"Haha, yeah, suit yourself, I'm takin' as much of this as I can get-"

"I guess I can share," Herman mutters. Zach grins.

"Nice!"

As soon as Hagan distracts Herman by saying, "We are not using that money" (to which Herman responds "like hell we aren't!") Woody turns to Zach and Mindy. 

"...before his injury, Herman was a thief. Good...good to know."

"Wait," Zach comments. "What do you do with him?"

"Oh. We, uh...go...to towns...and he pretends to sell something and I use my magic to make whatever he's making up believable. Sort of."

"So you're cons," Zach says, not particularly bothered by the idea. 

"Sort of. We need the money." 

"I don't give a shit," Zach says. "Survival of the fittest, buddy, idiots pay for idiot things." 

Woody shrugs. "Herman never felt bad about it. I did, sometimes, but we needed the funds."

"Hm," Mindy says, flicking the tip of her tail in a circle. 

"I don't know about you guys, but I'd never imagine my dad hanging out with a thief. No offense, Woody."

"None taken. Factually, from what we've seen, you are correct in your conjecture. This grows more confusing by the day."

They exchange a look.

"Guess we just have to work harder," Zach says slyly.


	9. Guiding Light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But I'm lost and I'm crushed  
> I'm cold and confused with no guiding light left inside.
> 
> [Guiding Light, Muse]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Small hiatus break as I have my computer for a solid [checks watch] 5 more hours. I've been waiting impatiently to write this chapter since I conceived it, and don't worry, if it's confusing, that's the point.
> 
> I'll be back on the 5th, kids.

Early the next morning it becomes clear that Hagan is not going to be able to sleep much more. This, then, is why the late-night moonlight and few torches still lit find him outside their inn, looking at the moon. 

Adam is enough to make anyone jealous, but this journey has brought up the festering wound of- not having any more magic. 

As he has many times before, he looks back down at his hands and turns them over, trying to summon magic.

-Nothing. It feels like talking to a brick wall. Or Herman. 

Hagan sighs, disappointed, and lowers his hands. He has guessed it would be like that.

"Anthony Hagan."

He blink, and looks around. No one that he can see, but he thinks he heard someone from down the street-

Somewhat foolishly, he follows the voice.

-

He comes to a temple. Having his curiosity picqued and no other want- temples are usually safe, anyhow. 

It's not, he thinks wryly, like he can check for evil magic. 

The moonlight and pre-dawn pink is filtering down through the ceiling, through openings. The altar is illuminated, and Hagan can tell that this is a holy space of the goddess of justice, Ylene, who he had long ago sold his soul to.

Almost reflexively, he kneels in front of the altar, before he hears someone speak.

"You're wondering about why you can't do magic."

He looks at them. The figure is hooded, and dressed plainly, in the robes of a true devotee. 

Hagan nods. 

"You're right," the priest says. "It is something you are doing. But not in the way you think."

"Yes?"

"You carry with you a great guilt," the priest says. "The goddess has forgiven you. Justice is not always hard, as you were taught. It can be kind as well."

"If the goddess has forgiven me-"

"You have not forgiven yourself," the priest continues. "Before you can be as you once were, you must let go of what you did."

"That's a big ask," Hagan mutters. 

"You asked the forgiveness of the goddess. She watched your actions and deemed you forgiven. Now, before you can do magic again, you must forgive yourself."

Hagan pauses, unsure.

"That may require," the priest says, amused, "The forgiveness of someone else as well. But I leave that to you."

"That's a bigger ask if we're thinking of the same someone," Hagan mutters. 

"But thank you for your insight. I'll continue to serve the goddess."

"She couldn't ask for more," the priest replies, almost as if they know something he doesn't. "You should return to your friends. Dawn is breaking."

-

When Hagan returns to the hotel, Zach is pouring water over himself as a weak method of cleaning.

"Where'd you go, dude?"

"Temple," Hagan says shortly, entering the inn.

Zach runs to report to Woody and Mindy as soon as Hagan is gone. 

"It might have to do with his magic," Woody suggests. 

"Oh, probably," Mindy says. "Dad is not good at letting go."

"Maybe Herman's the reason he lost his magic," Zach says excitedly. 

"I dunno. Herman is hardly magical, I don't think that he could take anyone's magic."

"Back to the drawing board," Mindy agrees.

Zach sighs, slightly disappointed. Mindy flicks his nose with her tail. 

He sneezes, and they all laugh.

"Okay, okay, you got me."

Woody covers his mouth and snorts when he laughs, Zach realizes, and Mindy laughs with her entire body. 

He can't help but smile. 


	10. Love, Love, Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some things you do for money  
> And some you do for love, love, love.
> 
> [Love, Love, Love, the Mountain Goats]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiatus over for good, I return bearing my ot3.

The next day finds them leaving the city. Herman hides himself in the back of the wagon in the morning, claiming that he has a headache (probably from the sheer amount of drink he consumed the night previous). 

At the city gates they're stopped by the guards. 

"We've heard of a thief, new in town. We suspect he may be leaving the city."

Hagan casts a look at the wagon, and opens his mouth, but Adam interrupts him.

"We cannot take a delay for you to search us."

"We must-"

"I am the Marquess of Crystaloake, and my people and I must leave." 

Mindy interrupts him slyly from the back of the wagon. 

"I can assure you the Marquess hasn't let any of us out of his sight."

The guards exchange a look and sigh.

"You may pass."

When they're out of earshot of the guards, Hagan turns his horse around and pulls even with the wagon, where Herman is still sitting.

"You knew they would recognize you."

"Maybe, maybe not."

"You made Woody drive so they wouldn't get a good look at you."

"That, I definitely did."

"No more stealing, Herman." 

"Why not?"

Adam turns his head back towards the wagon and glares. 

"I'm bound to take you to Antaria by the terms of our agreement. But I refuse to lie for you again."

"You barely even lied," Herman grouses, and Adam's glare grows stronger- and more intimidating.

"-okay, okay."

-

Later that day, they're traveling again, halfway between the city and their next stop. Woody is asleep, having stayed up the night before practicing his magic in order to improve. Mindy is leaned over the side of the wagon, looking out at the countryside. On one side of the road is a field, on the other, a forest. She's facing the forest.

Zach is sitting up with his back against the wood, arms folded. He's tried to rest, but failed, because there's something that's bugging him. 

He's (very openly) had romantic intentions towards Mindy for...a while, surely. He can barely even remember how long. He knows she was there when he first moved to Milford, fresh out of the orcish settlement three days' travel to the northwest. 

Admittedly, when he met her he was a different person. He had never seen a human in most of his life, he was unsure of how they lived. Certainly, his other half lived in a rough manner, he hadn't left by _choice_. Orcs, he reminds himself wryly, hate and fear half-breeds.

As do humans, he supposes. 

Anyway- something now makes him hesitate, where the Zach that left Milford some three days ago would have now leaned over the side with her and flirted with no restraint.

He wants to know why, really, more than anything else.

He looks from Woody to Mindy, and the thing is when he thinks about it, there's really no difference in how he feels about them.

This is- a frontier Zach has never faced before. Sure, multiple mates is a common and even par for the course thing with his people- at least, it was where he grew up. Nobody really minded, what mattered was your strength (et cetera.) He has no personal reservations about that aspect.

The problem is, Zach knows that it's so rare in humans, and he knows very little about catfolk and elves but he suspects that it's not helping his chances. 

He pauses, and then the force of what he has realized hits him.

 


	11. By the Sword in my Hand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> By the sword in my hand  
> I will conquer the land  
> I will decimate and decapitate  
> Those who question the sword in my hand.
> 
> [By the Sword in my Hand, Tyr]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this fic is picking up. We're almost on the good stuff, I mean.

Holy shit, Zach thinks. Holy crapping gods. 

This concept that he's realized and is now holding can either bring him everything he's ever really wanted or it can tear him and his newfound friends slash crushes apart. 

And that's very terrifying, even to Zach, who doesn't feel fear taking five people in a fight unarmed. Hell, he's taken five orcs against just him in a fight, unarmed, and he doesn't regret a single moment of that.

In fact, he was doing pretty well through most of that fight. 

Anyway. He flicks his eyes nervously from Woody to Mindy. 

If either one of them object to the idea, it's clearly done. And Zach, for all his faults, would really hate to make either one of them unhappy.

He sighs, leaning his head back and looking up at the grayish sky. 

Why the fuck is romance so goddamn complicated. 

All of a sudden, Adam is interrupting the silence, because Woody is sitting up and stretching. 

"Woody, have you seen if the rumors about magic are true?"

"What rumors?"

"Does the suit have magical attacks?"

Woody pauses. 

"Yes, but not all of it works with it split. That said, all parts still have magic."

"Wait, dude, so my sword can-"

"Possibly," Woody muses. "If you can access it."

"What about the shield?"

"Yeah," Herman says sarcastically. "Maybe it could, if half-ass could actually-"

"Herman," Hagan practically growls. 

"-do magic anymore," Herman finishes, the shit-eating grin evident in his tone. 

"I don't want to talk about that."

"D'you think I could do some of that sick magic?" Zach comments. It's certainly a distraction from his problems. 

Woody frowns. 

"You don't do magic, do you?"

"How hard can it be?"

"Well...Herman and I can use the magic of our pieces because we can...do magic." 

"I can try," Zach comments, unsheathing the sword and examining the blade.

"C'mon. Doing magic can't be that hard. Unless you're Hagan."

"Enough, Zach."

Woody shrugs. "I dunno, Zach. Even I had problems with magic before we got this stuff, and I was born with magic."

"Yeah, but you're you."

Woody pauses, and realizes Zach is probably right about that.

"...okay."

"Pull over," Adam says to Herman, because it's clear Zach isn't gonna let this go. 

-

"The magic is there," Woody insists. "Just- open yourself."

"I am fucking open," Zach snaps, waving the sword around. "The stupid thing isn't talking to me."

"It is," Woody insists. "I can see it."

Adam sighs, and Hagan rolls his eyes. Herman takes yet another drink. 

Mindy rests her chin on her palm.

"Come on, boys," she calls, bored. "Magic isn't that hard." 

She pulls out a nut from her bag and rolls it in her hand. 

"Ami-keco," she murmurs, her eyes turning purple a moment. She tosses the nut to the foot of a tree, where it's seized by a squirrel. Everyone watches this process with bemusement until the squirrel's aura turns the same shade of purple, and it runs to her shoulder. She runs one hand along the squirrel's back and tail. 

"See?"

"Okay, Hagan, you just got shown up by your seventeen year old daughter," Herman comments. Hagan sighs. 

"Zach, if you can't do it now, try again later."

Zach rolls his eyes. "Yeah, whatever, _dad_."

Herman snickers into his drink.

"I can try again," Zach continues. 

He waves the sword around a bit. 

"Woody, do something."

"I can't," Woody complains. 

"I'm gonna get this dumb sword to do magic eventually," Zach mutters. 

"Okay, whatever, kid," Hagan says. "Let's just keep moving."


	12. The Wild Rover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I've been a wild rover for many's the year  
> and I've spent all my money on whiskey and beer.  
> But now I'm returning with gold in great store  
> and I never will play the wild rover no more.
> 
> [The Wild Rover, Tyr]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The townspeople dialogue/actions in this chapter are dedicated to my very good friends Kerry (rubybelladonna) and Perry (mettatoning) for being so very supportive and pure.
> 
> This chapter also dedicated to my lovely dm Val (leave-xray-alone) on this the day of our anniversary. My inspiration.

Not far past noon, the convoy pulls into the small town of Greymoor. Adam stops in front of a storefront and ties up his horse, warning everyone to wait while he buys more supplies. 

Herman puts his legs up on the front of the driver's seat, taking a drink from his flask. 

"This place seems f'miliar," he mumbles. "Oi, Woody, have we been here?"

Woody pauses. 

"I dunno, we might've-"

"Hey!" 

"Oh, shit," Herman mutters, taking another drink. He sits up.

A townsboy makes his way to the wagon, and Hagan turns around to deal with the forming situation.

"You're the travelers who came through a month ago!"

"Wrong tiefling," Herman mutters. Woody ducks his head down in the back. 

"No," the boy says- he brushes light brown hair out of his eyes. "I definitely know you." 

"Hey, kid, are you sayin' all tiefling look the same, because that's racist."

"Herman?" Hagan says, firm but inquisitive. 

"Nothing wrong here."

People around them are taking notice, and they seem to be agreeing with the boy. Herman sighs. 

Adam takes this moment to return. He calmly puts his buys in the back with Zach, Woody, and Mindy, and remounts his horse.

"What's going on," he asks flatly, once he's back on. 

"Herman's been here," Hagan says, quiet enough that the crowd can't hear them. "He's denying it, but I know him."

"Been here?"

"Herman's a con man," Hagan says, clearly hating the taste of that phrase. "He must have passed through this town on his way to Milford-"

"Zach, Mindy," Adam says, almost ordering, even though he knows Zach hates that. "Come here?" 

Beat.

"Please."

The orc and catfolk hop out of the wagon and trot over. Mindy flips her hair. 

"What d'you want, chief?"

"I'm going to need you to lie if this gets any rougher," Adam says. 

Mindy grins slyly. "What, like with the guards?"

"Yes, but that lie might not work on these people, be wary." 

Hagan looks frustrated. "I don't want her to-"

"We have no other choice," Adam points out. "We're certainly prevented from lying. If you have another idea-"

"Fine." 

Zach shrugs. "A'right." 

They take their leave, and once they're back in the wagon, Mindy stands up. 

"Alright, let's go."

"Go?" someone in the crowd yells. "They sold us bad medicine!" 

"You did what?" Hagan mutters. Herman shrugs. 

"Guy's gotta live."

"We know that," Mindy says, lying smoothly. 

Woody peeks up from the back and meets the eyes of one of the people in the crowd. They wink at him, and he squeaks. Mindy nudges him with her foot to shut him up and continues lying.

"Don't you know paladins when you see em?" Mindy complains, gesturing to Hagan and Adam, who look slightly surprised for a minute being dragged into the lie. 

"The idiot," Mindy declares, elbowing Zach, who is surprised by that, "And I work for them. We're taking these criminals to Crystaloake Castle."

"Why!"

"That's none of your business," Mindy snaps. "Do you wanna question-" she points at Adam for emphasis- "The _Marquess_ of _Crystaloake?"_

The people murmur, shocked. 

"The fastest way to Crystaloake Castle is through Eastshore, which is where we're headed," Zach adds, and Mindy throws him a subtle wink of pleasure at how well he can lie. 

"Any questions?" 

Zach throws his greatest asset into play, here, which is his relative size in comparison to most humans. He subtly flexes his muscles, intimidating the crowd into silence. 

"Nah? Good." Zach sits down, and Mindy follows suit. 

"Your grace," Mindy calls, and the name surprises Adam, "We're good to go back here." 

Adam nods and spurs his horse forwards.

No one relaxes until they're out of the town, and Adam spins his horse around, forcing Herman to pull up short. 

"Next time that happens, next time we run into a town where you broke my lord father's law, you tell us before we get attacked by an angry mob. Understood?"

"Holy mother," Herman says, shocked. "Gotcha."

Adam turns, and if one can stalk away on a horse, he achieves that. 

Mindy leans forwards into the driver's seat, and digs her short claws into Herman's arm.

"I'm not as nice as any paladin," she growls. 

"You make me get put on the spot like that again, I may mess up and get you arrested, or worse, killed. Don't cross me."

"Kid," Herman says, "You're vicious for being raised by halfass in the fuckin forest."

"I get it from my mom," Mindy purrs. "And all living things are like the animals in the woods. It's just that none of you see it. Now keep us moving."

She sits back down next to Zach. 

Adam, now calmer, calls back. 

"Before we reach the road to Antaria, we pass through a cave system in the mountains. I've been through it before and can navigate back through."

Hagan seems to stiffen. 

"Caves," Herman mutters. 

"Why does everything go wrong in gods-damn caves."


	13. Bad Blood: Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now we've got problems  
> And I don't think we can solve 'em.
> 
> [Bad Blood, Taylor Swift]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And thus, the drama begins.

"Woody," Adam says, irritated, "Have you got a light spell?"

"Um..." Woody pauses. They're halfway through the tunnels. 

Something in the darkness hisses, and Woody jumps. "Think so!" 

He fishes around in the bags. "Has anyone got a rock?"

Zach pulls one off a cave ledge and tosses it to Woody. 

"Here ya go." 

The glow of Woody's magic lights the darkness for a moment. 

" _Es-tu lumo_."

The rock lights up and Woody holds it up. Zach cringes, not at the light, but at the ceiling.

"Yo, the fuck is that?"

Woody looks up and then jumps, dropping the rock.

"Oi," Herman snaps. "What the hell?"

"Look up," Woody says, picking up the glowing rock. 

Herman chokes upon looking at the ceiling, which is infested with oversize tarantulas. 

"Aw, hell no." 

"Just keep moving," Adam says. "And don't bother them." 

"Get out of the fucking way, Adam," Zach shouts. The spiders hiss. 

"Okay, who votes we go for the other end?" Herman asks. 

Everyone in the wagon raises their hands.

The path widens ahead, where Adam pulls off to the side, as does Hagan. Herman, as soon as they're clear, whips the horses pulling the wagon into moving much faster than usual. 

"Hang on!" 

"What do you think we're doing, asshole!" Zach snaps. 

"Get us the fuck out of here!" 

Mindy makes a noise that's very similar to a cat's hiss as one of the spiders drops towards her. Adam fires it out of the air with a crossbow bolt, both horses now taking up the rear as the spiders wake up and wake up angry. 

Zach takes his free hand to hang on to Woody, who's still trying to hold the glowing rock. 

"How far until we're out of here?" Zach yells. 

"Keep your pants on!" Herman snaps. 

"Sorry I don't wanna get eaten by fucking spiders, asshole!" 

"Shut the hell up and let me drive!" 

The horses stop short at a pile of spiders, and Herman pales, flicking the reins. 

"Duck!" Hagan commands everyone. No one needs to think twice when shortly after they all listen (even Herman, without protest) the shield flies over their heads and into the pile, crushing the spiders.

"Go!"

Herman doesn't take the time to complain, shooting forwards. Hagan leans off his horse, the shield shooting back into his hands through its own magic, and both paladins make for the exit. 

They reach the other side soon enough, and Herman pulls up, the horses sweaty and exhausted. 

"Holy shit," Zach pants. Woody tosses the still-glowing rock back into the cave. 

"Why are there no signs about that?" Woody complains. 

"At least this time half-ass did something," Herman mutters, and Hagan glares as everyone else rolls their eyes. 

"Herman," Hagan says calmly, dismounting. "Enough." 

Herman hands Woody the reins. 

"Oh, yeah? Was it hard to not leave people to die in caves? Did you feel tempted?" 

Hagan stiffens.

"I did not-"

Herman hops down from the front of the wagon. 

"Yeah, you didn't what, Hagan." 

"I didn't _leave_ -"

"Isn't lying against your stupid paladin code?" Herman snaps. "You always cared about that more than you cared about me."

"Was this gay," Zach mutters. "I knew it. I knew it was gay."

Mindy elbows him to shut him up.

Herman forces his tail into Hagan's face. 

"You are a godsdamn bastard, you know that?"

"If you would just listen to me-"

"I listened to you when we were in fucking Eastshore and you said, 'let's go do some good', which was clearly your first lie, because you haven't done a single act of good in your awful life," Herman growls. Hagan is clearly shocked into silence.

"Holy shit," Zach hisses. "Mindy, your dad's fucking crying." 

"Yeah?" she snaps back quietly. "Well, Woody, your fucking dad is crying too-"

"Holy shit, I think we broke them," Zach gasps quietly. "We gotta fix this, and fix it fucking quick-"

Before he can finish his sentence they both seem to be done with that, Hagan retreating with as much dignity as he can manage towards the treeline, and Herman watching him go with folded arms and flicking tail. 

"Shit," Zach groans. 

"You guys have to help me-"

"No shit!" Mindy says, shoving him. "Let's go after my dad-"

"Wait," Woody says. Mindy looks at him in a manner that indicates maybe he should step lightly.

Woodys gestures with his hands. "Listen, one, Herman is still here, right?"

"Right."

"And if there's a miscommunication, we might be able to find out if we talk to both of them!" 

"If there's a miscommunication?" 

"Listen, I've known Herman for-" Woody counts on his hands. "-ten years. And you grew up with your dad. Do you think it's possible that they're both wrong?"

Mindy pauses, and then nods.

"Exactly! And if we go after your dad now, Herman will think we're taking his side, so we have to talk to him now before we dont get the chance later!" 

"Fine," Mindy says. "You're right." 

"Let's just go," Zach says, clearly unsettled, and clears his throat.

"Herman, you gotta tell us what the hell is going on. Maybe we coulda put up with it before, but now you really gotta talk to us. It's not a fuckin' game."

"You wanna know what happened to me?" Herman growls. 

"Yes!"

"It was in a cave kinda like this. We were passing through. I don't remember what happened, I couldn't tell you if I tried. But there was a rockfall, and I woke up with my leg ruined. You know, when you pass out and wake up in the next town you expect to see your best friend there. You know, 'holy shit, you fucked your leg, I'm here to help!' Except there was nobody there. As far as I guess? He left. And I don't know why he did but it was a bitch move, and I'm not going to forgive it anytime soon."

"That doesn't sound like my dad," Mindy muses quietly. 

"Then I guess you don't know who he is," Herman growls. "He's no fuckin' angel."


	14. Bad Blood: Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But those are the days that bind us together, forever  
> And those little things define us forever, forever.
> 
> [Bad Blood, Bastille]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact, I had this chapter plotted and named in my head before publishing my other fic, Bad Blood. With a similar theme. 
> 
> My weakness for these dads will never die.

Mindy and Woody are debating hotly as Zach leads them in the direction Hagan left. 

"I don't think we're getting the whole story-"

"Of course not, but-"

"But you think Herman might be right about my dad?" Mindy snaps.

Woody backpedals so fast, Zach and Mindy are pretty sure Herman would be impressed. 

"No! But we all make mistakes, I mean, especially when we're younger-"

Mindy snorts, ending the conversation by turning away. Zach sighs. 

"I don't get the dumb human focus on parents," he mutters. "They're not all that great anyway, I sure didn't need em-"

"You don't have parents?"

"Duh, I _have_ parents. It's not like I know where they are. Or care. It's not really a thing to have a human-style family in the orcish settlements, yanno."

"Oh." Mindy and Woody exchange a look. 

"So you don't...care, about looking for them?"

"Nah," Zach says. "That's not really what we're like."

-

Eventually, they find Hagan. The scene is almost picturesque, with him sitting in the shadow of a large tree, shield in front of him, legs folded, and eyes closed.

"Dad?"

He opens his eyes slowly, almost resigned to having to talk to them.

"Are you alright?" 

The words tumble out of Mindy's mouth as she swoops in and hugs him tightly. 

"I'm fine, I'm fine."

"Yeah, um," Zach says, and he exchanges a look with Woody. "One question, what the hell was that? Cause Herman says that you kind of left him to die in a cave and-"

Hagan's eyes widen slightly, surprised. "That's not what happened."

"We're listening!" Zach exclaims.

"At the time, Herman and I were about...seventeen," Hagan begins. "Traveling through a cave, somewhere north of Crystaloake..."

-

_"All kinds of creepy shit in caves," Herman mutters._

_"What," Hagan says, elbowing him. "Are you scared?"_

_"Of the pirate gold and weird magic shit we- and by we I mean you- came to dig up? Hell nah. I'm scared of the wacko shit you can find in literally any cave. Like, cave spiders, kobolds, cave worms- you know cave worms are like the size of at least 2 warships? D'you think one paladin and one thief can take down a fuckin' warship?"_

_Hagan smiles affectionately, rolling his eyes. "Maybe not, but we'll be fine anyway."_

_"Yeah, whatever you say, Tony," Herman says skeptically._

_In memory, the moment seems longer wherein Hagan thought quite innocently about kissing him._

_There's a rumble that passes through the whole cave, and they both are distracted by trying to remain standing. Hagan loses his balance, and falls backwards. Herman is on the verge of recovering when Hagan sees the rocks slide down._

_"Herman-!"_

_Hagan scrambles to grab Herman's hand, but he misses once, and it's already too late._

_Hagan immediately takes to digging Herman out from under the rubble._

_"Stay with me, stay with me-"_

_Hagan chokes, trying not to vomit upon looking at Herman's (destroyed) leg._

_"It's okay-"_

_He lifts one hand to heal, but nothing happens. His eyes widen in panic. "My magic-"_

_He grabs Herman's cloak and rips off the end into a strip with all of his power, and starts trying to tie the leg back into a recognizable shape._

_Once that's done, he lifts Herman by putting one arm over his shoulder. "I've got you," Hagan says quietly. "It's gonna be alright."_

_"Tony-"_

_"Don't talk, okay? Just- stay with me."_

-

" _Shit_ that's dark," Zach mumbles.

"I took him to a healer," Hagan says flatly. "I told him I was leaving to figure out what was wrong with my magic. I was trying to talk to him, tell him I didn't leave."

"Yeah, uh, he really does think that you left him there. Pretty sure he doesn't remember anything."

"I gotta go," Hagan mutters, standing up. 

"We gotta talk."

"Well," Zach says, "We either just got them to fix that, or we made it worse. When have we been wrong?"

"Exactly fifty percent of the time," Woody says.


	15. I Belong to You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How much pain has cracked your soul?  
> How much love would make you whole?  
> You're my guiding lightning strike
> 
> I can't find the words to say,  
> But they're overdue,  
> I've traveled half the world to say,  
> I belong to you
> 
> ...I can't find the words to say,  
> When I'm confused,  
> I've traveled half the world to say,  
> You are my muse.
> 
> [I belong to you, Muse]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has been my motivator this whole time. I've been waiting to write it this whole time. I titled it before I finished my plot outline. 
> 
> This chapter was so fun to write. Please enjoy it, because I definitely did.

Hagan comes back to the spot where their horses and the wagon are stopped with urgency. Adam is sitting on his horse, holding the reins of Hagan's, and reading a book, removed and supremely unconcerned, waiting on them to figure it out.

"Herman, we need to talk."

"I'm not listening to you."

"Please just don't- walk away, I'm trying to make things right."

There's a silence, and the fact that neither of them moves speaks volumes. Hagan sighs.

"I told you I was leaving and I told you why. I didn't know you lost your memory. I tried to heal you but it didn't work so I got you out of there. I told you as soon as I could that I was going to figure out what was wrong with my magic and then I'd come back for you in a few months. I thought it was something I had to do alone. When I came back, you were gone. That's what happened."

"Why should I believe you-"

"You know that lying is against the code!" Hagan interrupts. "You know the code better than you admit because I told you, and I regret leaving you there but I don't regret meeting you in the first place."

"Hagan-"

"I'm not done. I told you about my family, and you can probably understand why Mindy knows nothing about them-"

"Shit," Herman comments, "I can respect that about you at least." 

"But I went with you," Hagan finishes, his voice slowing slightly. 

"I never figured out why you did that," Herman says. "Sometimes you're a goddamn mystery."

"I thought it was pretty obvious, if you think about it."

"Enlighten me."

"I..." Hagan seems to realize he's talked himself to the edge of the cliff, here, that this way he's gotta say something, or hint at something, and it's something that he's been avoiding saying, or even thinking about, for- ever since the accident, really. 

"I got off a boat in Eastshore and it was the first time I had been out of my home, let alone across the sea. And...suddenly, I'm walking into an admittedly, handsome stranger my age who was up front with me and said I wouldn't really be going anywhere if I went where I was supposed to go- to the justice hall- and did what my family said I should. I had my doubts about them, but you gave me an out from my controlling parents."

"What was the part where you called me handsome?"

Hagan turns bright red, which makes Herman laugh. 

"Don't be so surprised, I noticed. I was waiting for you to come to terms with it."

"Wait, what?"

"What kind of idiot do you think I am, Hagan? I was definitely flirting with you. On purpose. I'm not sorry about it. Are you?"

"No, n-not- not at all."

"Good."

They both pause, unsure of whether or not to take this conversation further from the boundaries of their youth.

"Marina- Mindy's mother- always said," Hagan comments slowly, "Before she left, that she was pretty sure I was in love with a memory more than with her."

"A memory of who?" 

They both know the answer.

"...you."

Herman finally grins like he used to, his tail twitching. "What took you so long?"

He reaches forwards and manages to get one hand through the collar of Hagan's armor, making it much, much easier to pull his head down and in. 

The kids return, having taken their sweet time, and let out a collective noise of played-up disgust. 

"Come on!" Zach yells. "I knew it was gay, but really?"

"Daaad," Mindy groans, covering her eyes. "Gods. Wait, do I have two dads now? Is Woody my step-brother?"

"Awkward," Zach mutters. 

"This is unusual," Woody comments, making a face. Herman frees himself to glare at them.

"Shut up, you little shits."

Zach folds his arms, wearing a shit-eating grin. "What does that make you, shitlord?" 

This is the point where Adam removes himself from the book that he's been reading the whole time and clears his throat. 

"Are we done?"

"Five more minutes," Herman says devilishly, looking back at Hagan, who's red, but smiling anyway. 

"Just this once," Hagan agrees, "I can wait."

"Hell yeah you can."


	16. Unnatural Selection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They'll laugh as they watch us fall  
> The lucky don't care at all  
> No chance for fate  
> It's unnatural selection.
> 
> [Unnatural Selection, Muse]

Adam directs them down the road leading into a forest, saying that according to his maps, the city of Antaria is somewhere in there, along the dirt road.  
Everyone is skeptical, but they follow him anyway- it's not like they have much of a choice.

It turns out that he's right, Antaria is sunk into a lower spot of ground so that most observers of the forest would be deterred from searching. 

"Let me do the talking?" Adam suggests as they reach the gates. 

"Yeah, uh, where the hell are we going?"

"Wherever the ones who are in charge are," Adam says.

"Hate to break it to you," Herman says, "But human ranks don't always mean something in unhuman citadels. Right, Woody?"

Woody nods. "In my experience, yes."

"We'll be fine," Adam insists. "Let's go."

-

Half an hour later, Adam's explained the situation to one of the higher Antarian ministers, who seems amused. 

"You're very lucky. We have an opponent arriving in five days."

"Hold up," Herman says. "Opponent."

"You are the ones who retrieved the armor, yes?"

"Well...yeah."

"Then you will compete."

"Hold up, compete?"

"You will compete against him in a fight to the death," the antarian says serenely. "You'll be shown to your suite now."

This is when they're forced out.

"Woody," Herman complains. "What the hell did that mean?"

"I think," Woody says slowly, "That they want us to fight whoever is coming."

"Yeah, no shit, but why?"

"I was getting to that," Woody whines. "It's the suit. The way to get into a fight is to show up with it."

"So we literally just walked straight to the people who would be totally be okay watching us die in a cage match."

"...yes."

"Fucking A-plus," Herman snaps, looking at Adam.

"It's fine," Hagan says, trying to defuse the situation. "We can try."

"Try and get our asses kicked?" 

"To death?" Zach says, voice pitching up slightly.

"Everybody calm down," Adam says. 

"You're stronger than you think."

"Yeah?"

"Well, I've never seen Herman fight, but I'm pretty sure the rest of you aren't...that bad."

"Hey, man, I can fight."

"Yeah," Zach snorts, "Sure."

"Look, they're takin' us to a room, and then I'll show all you punks."

-

Hagan is the only one who doesn't seem surprised when Herman produces two daggers, one for each hand, and flips one casually. 

"Anyone got a target?"

"Target?"

"Anything you're okay with me pinning to the godsdamn wall."

Everyone is silent for a moment, then Herman sighs, balls up his cloak, and hands it to Woody. 

"Man, throw that shit in the air."

Less than a second, it seems, passes before the cloak is pinned to the wall. Herman flips his other knife. 

"D'you still think I can't take care of myself?"

"O-kay," Zach says, eyes wide. 

"Um...fuck, maybe we have a decent chance. Fuck, dude, I've got a big sword-"

"Have you ever trained with one up until now?" Hagan asks skeptically. Zach chokes. 

"No, but come the fuck on, I bet YOU couldn't take five orcs unarmed!"

"Have you done that?"

"Yeah, I have!" 

"Did you win?"

"...almost!"

"We are so boned," Herman mutters.

"Lighten up," Mindy says. 

"We've got some time. It's not like you're all unathletic. You have skills, you just need to repurpose them."

"What the hell does that mean?"

"Boys," Mindy sighs, rolling her eyes. 

"We really are gonna have to help you not be that awful in five days."

-

"Here's what you've got," Adam muses aloud. 

"Woody's magic, Herman's speed and knife skill, Hagan's a classically trained fighter, and Zach's got street fighting experience. Did I miss anything?"

"That's about it."

"Yeah, you make it sound less lame than it is," Hagan points out. 

"Well, it doesn't have to be as bad as you think. Let's see..."

Adam pauses.

"That's...new."

"What is?"

"Magic," Adam says, consternated that that's clearly the only word. 

"There's something...never...mind. I'll figure it out."

Adam seems confused about something, and everyone can tell.

The antarians, to their credit, have given them basically all the space that they need to train, which is where they are right now. Adam releases them to work on whatever, and Mindy decides to have a bit of fun with the archery range.

After a while, Adam finally stands up with a loud thump that makes Mindy jump and misfire, which is rare in the first place.

"What the hell?" she snaps, and Adam ignores her momentarily. 

"There's more magic, that's it. And it's definitely not Woody."

"The hell do you mean," Zach says. 

"It's not regular magic, that's what confused me," Adam explains. 

"It's divine magic."

Everyone follows Adam's eyes to Hagan, who looks confused. 

"I can't-"

"Have you tried?"

Hagan removes his gloves and holds out his hands. 

"Nothing-"

Comedically timed, his magic intercedes, returning with a rush, a light purple aura rising like an incoming tide. 

"Holy sh-" 

He's conveniently interrupted by Herman. 

"Gods-damn, Tony, you still got it!"

"Who the fuck is Tony," Zach says. Everyone stares at him.

"What, he has a first name?"

"Yes," Hagan says pointedly.

"And magic. That's an advantage," Adam says. "More magic doesn't hurt."


	17. Such Great Heights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I am thinking it's a sign  
> That the freckles in our eyes  
> Are mirror images and when  
> We kiss they're perfectly aligned
> 
> And I have to speculate  
> That God himself did make  
> Us into corresponding shapes  
> Like puzzle pieces from the clay.
> 
> [Such Great Heights, The Postal Service]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the 2-day hiatus, at least when I came back I came back with a good chapter?
> 
> This chapter as well as the one from about a week ago is dedicated to my dm Val (leave-xray-alone on tumblr, bearrightsactivist on here) becase 1. they made me ship this 2. they made me ship this 3. the song that inspired the chapter title is kind of 'our song'. Maybe. Sorta. 
> 
> Anyway enjoy.

"Zach!"

"What?"

"Come up to the roof with us."

"What, why?"

"Woody wants to look at the constellations."

Zach rolls out of bed and runs a hand through his hair before making his way to the door and heading for the stairs with Woody and Mindy. 

"Why?"

"When I was living in Glassmere," Woody explains quietly, "Astronomy was the only thing I picked up well."

"No offense," Zach says with a slight smirk, "If you said you mastered a weapon I wouldn't believe you." 

"None taken," Woody replies. 

"I wanted to see if I could see the stars here."

"Why wouldn't you?"

"The forest."

On the roof, the treetops are all around them, but the sky is still visible. The tree branches look like thorns on the horizons all around. 

Woody sits, and Zach and Mindy do too.

"There's the evening star," he says. "The North Star, Amkissra, Lyra, and Ylindar."

"What are those?" Zach asks, confused.

"Constellations," Mindy says. "Woody, Amkissra looks a bit like a W, right?"

"Yeah." 

"We call it the princess," Mindy says. She points it out to Zach. "It looks like a throne.

"-to the left up there slightly is Mardeiym. See the three stars in a row?"

"Yeah," Zach says. 

"That's her belt."

Zach's mouth twitches. 

"Do you see those four stars in a square?"

"Yeah," Mindy says.

"That's Allannia, and right under her is Almithara."

"That's a lot of constellations," Mindy says, sitting up slightly so that she can look at Woody properly. 

"Humans have different names for them, though."

"Do catfolk?" Woody asks, curious. 

"I don't know," she admits. "But I know that Almithara is called the big dipper. Because, see, she looks like a pot."

"Oh! Oh. I see that."

"Don't confuse me," Zach grunts. "We don't have these things."

"No offense," Mindy says with a raised eyebrow, "But you orcs are strange sometimes. No parents and no stars?"

"The only thing that matters is the north star and the evening star," Zach mutters. "And the south-stars if you're far enough south to see 'em." 

"Aw, come on," Mindy says playfully, shoving him. "You don't think that."

"Nah. It's probably my human half," he jokes, sitting up to join them. 

Fortunately, he's with two of the only people who'd understand the joke. Mindy laughs, her tail flicking, and Woody giggles. 

"Yo, uh-"

They both look at him questioningly, and for the first time in how long, Zach, who's borderline fearless, ducks his head. 

"This is gonna sound so dumb."

"Is something wrong?"

"Not really wrong," Zach says. "But y'know, I watched your dads like going at it the other day and I was thinking, holy shit, it took them like 50 million years to get on that. And then we got here and they were all like dude, you gotta fight to the death, and I've just been thinking I don't have all the time in the world anymore to tell people if I've got it bad for them."

Zach clears his throat a little.

"For orcs, I dunno about you guys, it's pretty common for a guy to have more than one partner. Like, at the same time. I don't wanna choose so if you're not okay then forget it."

Woody and Mindy exchange a look, but they don't have to say anything more to each other. 

They both scoot over to Zach, and Mindy kisses his cheek. 

"Just so you know," she purrs softly, "I was going to run away with you."

"For all intents and purposes, you already have," Woody points out, and she reaches across Zach to shove him playfully. 

"We're here. Do you have something to say, big boy?" Mindy says. Zach nods slowly, and squeezes both of them. 

"Yeah. Love you."

"Love you too."

"Samesies," Woody mutters.

"You _dork_."


	18. Freaking Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm not freaking out.  
> But it feels like time is running out.  
> How did this shit come about?  
> I'm not freaking out.  
> But I'm afraid,  
> Afraid of losing you.
> 
> [Freaking Out, Mystery Skulls]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "but yorkisms/Ash/official shin guards person, you said you were gonna update daily!"
> 
> Yeah, yeah, I know. The thing is that the more recent chapters have been about conveying abstract character development and I didn't have specific scenarios in mind for this stuff to come out, hence, in the beginning I could churn out exposition and now I'm slowing down. 
> 
> I still intend to finish this fic, worry not.

"Tony."

Hagan looks up from a book to see Herman standing in his doorway.

"What's wrong?"

"I wanna stay with you tonight."

"Again?"

"Hey, fuck you, you should be honored I even wanna."

"Shut up," Hagan snorts, putting his book to the side.

"Shut the door this time."

Herman removes the boots and places them next to where Hagan's shield is resting on the wall, then limps over to the bed.

He hisses quietly as he sits down.

"Damn leg. Hurts like the shits all the time, even though it was fuckin' ages ago."

Hagan winces. 

"Sorry."

"You don't need to say that again," Herman says, grabbing half the blankets. 

"Sorry anyway."

"Shut up, Tony," Herman snipes gently, pulling Hagan closer and closing his eyes. 

"Night."

"Night."

Hagan is woken by the feeling of Herman nudging his side.

"Tony."

"Mmm?"

"Are you nervous?"

"'bout what," Hagan mumbles sleepily.

"The _fighting to the death_ whenever the other guy gets here, duh."

"Mm, a little."

"A little?"

"There's not much we can do about it."

"You're one crazy son of a bitch."

"If there is you can go ahead and tell me," Hagan mumbles. "I won't object. M' pretty sure they won't let us out, though."

"Probably not," Herman agrees.

"...I'm...not ready," he continues, softly.

"Y're good with a knife, you'll be fine," Hagan assures him sleepily.

"It's not that, dumbass," Herman mutters affectionately. "What happens if you die, man? What happens if I die?"

"Mm?"

"We just got here," Herman replies. "We've been doing- this, whatever this is, for three days. That doesn't make up for- what, thirty years?"

"Twenty," Hagan corrects. 

"Whatever, it doesn't make up for anything!"

"M'trying not to worry," Hagan admits, and Herman snorts. 

"Yeah, cause that's just like you."

Hagan hums, and rolls over a little. "I know, I know, but 'f we worry too much that'll kill us b'fore the other guy does."

"What the hell have you done with Hagan," Herman mutters, poking Hagan's arm with his tail. Hagan snorts into his pillow.

"Go to sleep, Herman." 

"No," Herman says, stubbornly.

"C'mon," Hagan mumbles. "I wanna sleep." 

"Then go ahead and sleep, idiot."

"I will."

Hagan rolls back over. "Night."

"...I love you, you jerk."

"Mm, I love you too."


	19. I (We)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Giving nothing, the taker, the maker of war  
> I'll smash your face in, but with a smile  
> All together you'll never be stronger than [we]
> 
> [adapted from "I", Tyr]

The next morning, Adam is waiting in the hall, looking perturbed, and Herman noticed that as soon as Hagan steps out of his (their) room, pauses, and his face screws up in a universal expression of disgust. 

"What the fuck is that?"

"I don't know," Adam replies. "But it's-"

" _Nasty_ ," Hagan finishes. "I'm remembering I don't miss the _smell_ -" 

"What's happening, daddy?" Mindy interrupts as the younger ones saunter up.

"Yeah, why are you two looking like you're smelling the world's worst dump?"

"Because that's what it smells like," Hagan mutters irritably. Herman rolls his eyes. 

"Tony, tell the kids what's going on already."

"Paladins can sense good and evil," Adam mutters before Hagan can say anything. "Evil tends to smell like rotting horse manure." 

"Gross," Zach says. "So what the fuck's evil?" 

"I think we're gonna find out," Adam says. 

Antarian guards are prepared to escort them to the great hall, a place of colorful vaulted ceilings and glasslike walls and floors.

"Good news," the antarian minister crows. "Your opponent has arrived!"

"I bet that's what you were smelling," Herman mutters sardonically. 

"What does that- mean, exactly," Hagan says, ignoring Herman for the moment. 

"The fight will begin tomorrow at mid-morning. As of now, you'll have 24 hours to prepare."

"Th...Thank you."

They're escorted out, and as soon as they're alone, Zach mutters "fuck," and everyone looks at each other with fear and anticipation.

-

"Zach, what are you wearing."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Zach snaps, smearing ochre paste into diagonal lines along his chin and cheeks.

"It means what the hell are you dressed like, boy," Herman replies. Zach glares. 

"Fucker, this is what you're supposed to wear in a battle."

"Yeah, if you wanna get stabbed, you're not even wearing a chestplate-"

"You wanna rag on the fuckin' facepaint too? You assholes. This armor belonged to-"

"Oh boy, orcs and their ancestor rants." 

"Fuck off, Herman!" Zach calls. "It's a family thing, okay? You're pretty much human already, fuck if you'd get it."

"It is a little rude," Woody comments, adjusting his longish hooded jacket. Unlike most sorcerer robes, it ends above his knees, a custom stylistic design to keep him from tripping. The cuffs are lined in silver and so is the hood and every hem. He pulls up the hood, and his eyes flash blue. 

"There we go." 

Hagan slides his gloves on. 

"Zach, can you try a chestplate, please."

"No! Wearing a chestplate is for pussies! I'd get laughed out of every fuckin' orc settlement on the planet if I did _that_. Definitely not the shit Ragath would be into."

"Ragath?"

"Yeah, the ancestor."

"What are you going to do after this?" Woody asks. Zach pauses, circling his bicep with the paste.

"I'm going back to the settlement, where I used to live, s'just a day's journey northwest of Milford, closer to Crystaloake."

"Oh." Woody pauses. "To stay, or-

"There's this gang out there that are fucking jerks. I wanna kill their leader."

Zach smirks. "Then I'll leave, yeah."

"Are they really that bad?"

"It's said they killed my dad, and they kicked me out of there, so, yeah."

"I thought orcs didn't have par-"

"Well, no, but the reputation of your clan is pretty important. Killing an orc's mate, human or no, is a big fucking no-no. They deserve whatever they get."

Hagan shifts the shield to his left hand. 

"Zach, I'm sorry."

"Don't be, they're gonna get what they deserve." Zach smirks. "But only after we kill this son of a bitch."

"You're taking forever," Herman snaps, adjusting his gloves. "Are you done?"

"Yeah," Zach says, unsheathing his sword. "Let's go slaughter this fucker."

Herman flips a knife in his hand. "Yeah?"

"Yeah, I said I'm ready, asshole." 

Woody pulls out the amulet from under his shirt, until it hangs over his jacket, glowing bright blue in sync with his eyes. 

"I've prepared several spells that may be of use."

"Good," Hagan says. 

"Let's do this." 

-

The arena has high walls, to prevent anyone from climbing out, presumably, or trying to. Zach spins the sword nervously. 

"Where is this fucko?"

"Meet your opponent," the antarian announcer calls, and the watching crowd cheers. 

"Holy shit," Herman hisses as their opponent enters the ring. 

"The worg, from the mountains!" 

"Holy shit," Herman practically whimpers, "Dude's like 8 feet tall, he's fuckin' 8 feet tall-"

"Smells," Hagan manages, eyes watering. 

"He's a big motherfucker," Zach admits, "But hey, at least I took five orcs in a fight."

"Yeah, you lost!" 

"Barely!" 

"The fight will begin..."

"Oh shit."

"Three, two, one-"

Zach raises his sword. 

"And begin!"


	20. Stargazer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All eyes see the figure of the wizard  
> As he climbs to the top of the world  
> No sound as he falls instead of rising  
> Time standing still then there's blood on the sand  
> Oh I see his face  
> Where was your star?  
> Was it far, was it far, was it far?
> 
> [Stargazer, Tyr]

"You gotta be fucking kidding me!" are the first words out of Herman's mouth before the worg strikes, quickly blocked by the shield. 

"Herman!" 

"I am not fucking with this shit-" 

"Herman, for the love of the goddess, I need your help!" 

"Keep him distracted," Woody requests, moving his hands into position.

Zach begins to comply and distract the worg, albiet minorly, with strikes. Woody's eyes glow. 

" _Kio-vi tas_."

Woody's eyes glow brighter. 

"I need more time to finish this!"

"Herman!" Hagan snaps, before his voice softens. "Please!" 

Herman sighs, before unsheathing his knives and darting into the fight. 

"You always gotta get me into trouble, Tony."

Woody gestures with his hands, the magic glow growing brighter. 

" _Ko-vi tas, mon to-viro?_ "

With Herman on the attack, the fight seems to even for a moment, until the attacking three are thrown off by the worg. Hagan manages to keep Woody out of the battle with a block. 

" _Kio-tas via magio, mon to-viro!_ "

The magic glow fades, and Woody snaps his gaze to Zach. 

"I have an idea!"

"Ugh, I hate it when you have ideas," Zach comments with a slight teasing lilt as he parries a sword strike. 

"What do you need?" 

"More time! And when I ask I'll need your sword!"

"You got it!" 

As Woody tries to summon his magic again, the attention of the other three is drawn by Adam from the stands, heavily guarded. 

"Flank him, use his size!" 

Zach spins the sword, and Herman grins. 

"Hey, shitlord, wanna try this?"

"He's just as fast as you!"

"Oh yeah?" Herman declares, turning to run. "He'd better not be."

"Zach," Hagan hisses, "We need to attack while he's distracted, you have to-"

Zach grins. 

"This guy's not that different from an orc, c'mon, and fighting orcs is what I do."

Zach shifts his sword, and as it goes between the armor, the worg roars and vanishes. 

"Is that it?" Herman says, coming to a stop. "We did pretty good." 

"No!" Adam shouts. "Behind you!" 

The worg appears behind Woody, who's still preparing to cast. 

Hagan is the first to react, tossing Woody a small piece of parchment that immediately catches fire upon hitting him. 

"Goddess, sirmi lin!" 

A magical shield blocks the worg's next strike, aimed at Woody, and it turns its attention to the other three with a growl.

"I never saw you do that," Herman comments, backing up slightly.

"Woody's idea," Hagan replies, raising the shield. "It needs holy text to work, but it's pretty worth it when it does."

"Aw, c'mon," Zach groans. "I gotta stab this guy again? Wasn't once enough? What's good enough with you people?!"

Woody snaps his head up. 

"Zachary, the sword!" 

"At least this guy's on it," Zach comments, before tossing the sword.

For once, given Woody's general clumsiness, he catches it, and raises it towards the worg. 

"Woody!" Herman calls. "What the f-"

"Sh!" 

" _Lyra talasowlir, Amkissra, Ylindar, tyroren, Mardeiym, elowandeth, merarornil. Allannia e Almithara, tyraridras morannil. Ruvaen Dorquinal, eleirol silanyn rilendoriel. Talilriad nielorlith, kyllenias thaasneth thiorilbras talasrilbriad. Malilbras Katar aerarol thaorion kylindlan theinies marasraslan málerirael thiaries-_ "

The sword glows. 

"The fuck? It never does that for me!"

" _-sheoladh chuige amach!_ "

There's a bright blue, purple, and black flash that blinds everyone. Zach's sword hits the sand, and Zach runs over to catch Woody. 

"I gotcha!" 

He sheathes his sword with one hand.

A collective sigh is let out. Zach holds on as Woody struggles into a more sitting position. Herman works the shield off Hagan's hand so that he can hold it instead.

"Herman."

"What?"

"The winners are the champions from the West!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To everyone who spotted the big difference between this and the canon fight: don't lose sleep over it, trust me. 
> 
> To everyone who can actually find the plot differences between how they fight: I commend you. I did this mostly on memory and fight scenes...not my best.


	21. Glitter and Gold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Do you walk in the valley of kings?  
> Do you walk in the shadow of men  
> Who sold their lives to a dream?  
> Do you ponder the manner of things  
> In the dark  
> The dark, the dark, the dark  
> I am flesh and I am bone  
> Arise, ting ting, like glitter and gold  
> I've got fire in my soul  
> Rise up, ting ting, like glitter  
> Like glitter and gold  
> Like glitter.
> 
> [Glitter and Gold, Barns Courtney]

They're taken to the great hall, despite their insistences that Woody is tired from spellcasting (he is) and that they'd like to see Mindy and Adam and leave, already, please. 

Zach's letting Woody lean on him, and the antarians look like every expression hides danger. 

"We won," Hagan says. "We're ready to go home, already."

"This isn't what the tradition is."

"Man, fuck the tradition, I'm ridin' off into the sunset with this guy," Herman says. 

The leader of the antarians raises a hand, and Herman is immediately silenced in favor of bending over. 

"Herman!"

"The suit is ours foremost," the antarian says. "It obeys us before all else."

Woody's hands fly to his head. 

"The magic..."

"We find it fascinating," the antarian continues, "How the armor has healed them, the parts that are broken. We note that they are loved, and wonder what effect pressure to this topic will produce."

"Whatever you're doing, you stop!" Zach snarls. "They didn't do anything but refuse to follow your bullshit rules!" 

"You know very well what the price of that is."

Hagan and Zach are trying to have a frantic nonverbal conference when the doors of the great hall are kicked open by none other than Mindy and Adam, weapons blazing.

Mindy covers Adam with her bow as he approaches Woody and holds his shoulders. 

" _For-de-tie_."

Woody shakes his head a little.

"Wh-"

"This is only temporary," Adam says quietly. Mindy throws Adam a book, which he catches.

"We tried to cast this spell, but you're the only one who can." 

"My magic," Woody begins, but Adam puts one hand on his shoulder. 

"I'm blocking theirs with mine. You need to focus. This spell will cut the bond between them and your suit." 

Woody looks at Zach, trying to draw his sword, and Hagan, bent over Herman and whispering useless comfort. 

"I have to try." 

Woody opens the book, swallows, and begins to read. 

" _Morto ne diskriminacias, Inter la pekuloj Kaj la sanktuloj. Gi portas gin postrestas kaj gi prenas kaj ni plu vivi ciuokaze. Ni levigos kaj ni falas kaj ni rompos kaj ni faros nian erarojn. Kaj se estas kialo mi daure vivas Kiam ciuj kiu min amas mortis, mi pretas atendi gin. Mi pretas atendi gin. Mi estas la sola afero en la vivo mi povas kontroli. Mi estas neimitebla, mi estas originala. Mi ne prokrastante au kurante malfrue. Mi ne haltis, mi embusko!_ "

When the spell is done, Woody almost falls backwards, but Zach is there to catch him. 

The antarian minister lifts his hand again, but nothing happens. Hagan helps Herman to his feet.

"Shit, it feels like my legs just gave birth," Herman says, voice weak. "We good, Woody?"

Woody sways on his feet, but nods. 

"Yeah. We are."

Zach unsheathes his sword with practiced ease. 

"Alright, then let's blow this joint!"

The approach of armed guards kills the idea of making that easy.

Mindy begins firing at that moment, opening a path for Zach to carry Woody down. 

"Is he okay?" 

"I don't know," Zach says, semi-frantic. Mindy ceases fire a moment, causing Adam to engage with his greatsword.

"I'll take him."

"You can't fire like that-"

"And you can't fight!" Mindy argues. 

"Alright," Hagan interrupts, and he presses his non-shield hand to Woody's chest. 

" _Reve-nas_." 

"What the fuck?" Zach manages, as Woody stands up properly and adjusts his robes.

"Now let's move."

"Wait," Herman says, "What about wonder boy?" 

"Adam!" 

Mindy draws her bow, but she pauses. 

"There's too many of them."

"Get out of here!" Adam barks, slashing at the guards. 

"What the f-"

"NOW!" 

Mindy slams the doors shut behind everyone. 

"How did you know to do that," Hagan asks as Mindy begins to jog towards the exit. 

"Do you think I trusted those weird little dudes?" she asks skeptically. 

"Not. At. All. While they were fixated on dragging you guys around, we dug through their libraries. We used a bit of magic to make it go quicker. Then we found out that they could do that. So we borrowed their little book, and held on to it just in case. When they didn't let you out we suspected there was a problem."

"Holy shit," Zach sighs. "I love you."

Mindy giggles. "I know." 

Hagan almost comments on that dialogue, and then realizes that now is definitely not the time.

Outside is Herman's wagon, which has probably seen better days. Mindy takes the driver's seat before anyone else can, and everyone is on board before she flicks the reigns hard enough to get the horses moving. 

"What about Adam!" Hagan yells. 

"He told us to leave!" 

"We can't just-"

"We have to!"

The horses speed towards the city gates- getting further and further from where Adam lies.


	22. Dreams I Have Had

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ninety nine dreams I have had  
> In every one a red balloon  
> It's all over and I'm standing pretty  
> In this dust that was a city  
> If could find a souvenir  
> Just the prove the world was here  
> And here is a red balloon  
> I think of you and let it go.
> 
> [99 Red Balloons, Nena]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's not...quite done. Not yet, anyway.

"We have to go back," Hagan says as Mindy navigates the wagon through the streets. "It's the right thing to do."

"We can't," Woody points out. "There's four- five- of us and hundreds of them!"

"We have to try and do the right thing-"

"What about us!" Mindy and Herman snap in sync, as Zach and Woody chime in using variants.

"Fuck that shit, man!" (Zach says.)

"We don't have a chance!" (Woody agrees.)

"In that case we just got the Marquess of Crystaloake killed! Do any of you think that'll be a problem for us?"

"Man, you're a paladin, just tell em we had no choice! He told us to go!" 

"It's not that simple! I know how those people think, and I don't think it's a good idea to make an enemy of the duke, because doing something like that will bite you in the ass!"

"So what, you want us to ride back into the belly of the beast to rescue the asshole who dragged our asses here to almost die because you value the good opinion of his daddy?"

"Yes- no! It's not that simple-"

Mindy hushes everyone. "We're getting to the gate, idiots! Do we stay or leave?"

"Stay a bit," Hagan begins, but he's definitely overpowered by the other three hissing "Leave!" at varying levels of intensity. 

"Leave it is," Mindy says. She whips the reins and the horses shoot forwards and out into the woods.

They sail through the gates and out onto the forest path.

"Is anyone following us?" Herman asks, trying to get a look.

"I don't see anyone!" Woody exclaims. 

The cart takes a sharp turn, and Woody almost falls out. Zach catches him. 

"Can we be more careful?" Herman snaps. 

"Sorry for saving your lives!"

"Just keep going!" 

Mindy whispers magic to the horses, and they move ever faster.

"Here's what we're gonna do," she says authoritatively. 

"We're gonna wait a day on the edge of the forest. Then we're gonna go home, pack up, and get mobile."

She whips the horses. 

"Not because we did anything wrong, because we want to travel more."

"Travel more?"

"Anyone who wants to stay in Milford, raise your hands," Mindy says pointedly. 

No one does. 

"Exactly."

-

Night falls on the edge of the forest, where they've arranged a small camp fire and have agreed to take a night watch this time.

Hagan gets Mindy alone a moment.

"You and Zach?"

"Your point, dad?"

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Did we really have the time?"

"Fair point," Hagan mutters.

"Besides, you're dating Herman."

Hagan's face colors considerably. 

"Well-"

"If that wasn't the point of that makeout session a few days ago-"

"Mindy," Hagan says, still red. 

"Yeah, Zach's my boyfriend. And Woody's his boyfriend too. You're gonna have to get used to it."

"Alright, alright," Hagan says, slightly apprehensive of another jab at his own new relationship. "Wait, Woody-"

"Yes, dad." 

"How...does that work."

"I'm dating Zach and so is he. It's not that hard. I like both of them, and I'm not upset at all."

"But if he hurts you-"

"I get it daddy. Not gonna happen."

"Okay, okay."

"The stars are bright tonight," Woody comments whe Mindy returns to who she's colloquially thinking of her boyfriends. 

"They really are," she replies, laying down with them, her hair fanning out.

"What do you call that one," Woody asks. "The one that looks liike two people. We call it Ailuin and Auluua."

"We call it the lovers."


	23. Rumors of My Demise Have Been Greatly Exaggerated

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When we built these dreams on sand,  
> How they all slipped through our hands.  
> And this might be our only chance.  
> Let's take this one day at a time,  
> I'll hold your hand if you hold mine.  
> The time that we kill keeps us alive.
> 
> [Rumors of My Demise Have Been Greatly Exaggerated, Rise Against]

It's past moonhigh when only Herman is awake, his turn to watch. He hasn't found it in him to stray that far from where Hagan is sleeping, but to be fair, the kids are all sleeping on each other.

Staying close to Hagan is more of a comfort now than ever before, he'll grudgingly admit it. Hagan is snoring slightly, and Herman can easily confirm that that's his m.o. after exertiion. They've spent too much time together for that to be something he doesn't know.

It's been a while, Herman thinks, since he was asked to take a night watch. Normally in his travels after the accident, he stuck to towns and inns. 

If anyone knows how to skip on an inn debt, it's Herman. 

Never being one to resist temptation, he shifts on the rock he's sitting on to get a better angle on gently prodding Hagan's face with his tail.

He snorts with amusement. He's not above it. 

Their relationship has survived its life cycle, he thinks, and is going to change from here. Ideally for the better. 

They met at the docks of Eastshore. Herman remembers that he had been drawn in by how rich Hagan looked. Rich was right, but also...rich and lost and kind of cute, honestly. 

He couldn't help it, again, Herman's never been one to resist temptation. 

He decided to talk to the cute stranger in brand-new armor, and altered both of their lives forever. 

For years he swore bitterly that if he could go back and change things he would have stolen Hagan's wallet and gone on, but he's readily admitting to himself now that he wouldn't- would never, really- have found the strength to do it.

He's been a little harsh.

" 's something wrong," Hagan slurs softly, and Herman realizes his tail is still on Hagan's face. He quickly retracts it. 

"Nah. Go back to sleep, okay?"

"Mm."

Herman sighs. 

The fight was scary as hell, quite honestly, but he's realizing that he's living a situation where he's...for once, somewhere he wants to be. 

For all he knows, Hagan is right, and as soon as they leave here and word gets out that Adam is dead the entire world will be against them. But that's the way that Herman thrives, quite honestly, and he's ready.

He's not ready, however, for Adam to literally drop from the sky and land in front of him.

Accordingly, he falls backwards.

"Holy shit, it's the ghost of Adam," he yelps, because what other conclusion can he draw. 

"Look, sorry I argued for leaving you to die but-"

Hagan sits up, rubbing his eyes. "What?"

"Can you banish ghosts?" Herman practically shrieks. Hagan looks the normal amount of done with things at first, then sees Adam.

"What the fuck?"

"I'm not dead," Adam says. 

"You just flew out of the sky!"

This is when Zach sits up. 

"What the fuck is all this yelling?"

Mindy runs a hand through her hair, and then notices Adam. 

"Holy Gods-"

"Bugger me!" Woody yelps.

"Mindy, language!"

"Dad. Really. You're gonna get on me for blasphemy now?"

"Can we talk about how this guy's not dead!" Zach snaps. 

"He just came out of the godsdamn sky!" Herman yells. 

"What?"

"So-"

"What the hell happened!" Most everyone shouts in near-perfect unison.

Adam sighs.

"It's not that complicated. It's just magic."

"You fell from the sky!"

"I landed," Adam corrects, spreading a pair of glowing white wings.

"You can see why I thought you were dead!" Herman yelps. 

"It's just a spell," Adam says.

"How the fuck do you cast something like that?" Woody asks.

"Practice. And a lot of luck."

Adam sits down. 

"Where are you going."

"Back to Milford, to get our stuff," Mindy says. "Then we're gonna travel."

"We can stop by Crystaloake," Adam says. 

No one really wants to question him at this point. 

"Alright, sure, we can do that."

-

About a week more of travel takes them back to Milford. It takes them a few days to break down the major things in Mindy and her dad's house in order to move for Crystaloake.

Herman leans on the door of the house, where he finds Hagan looking at his old sword. It's seen little use given that Zach technically has a better one, but Herman knows that old blade by name and could trace the carvings on its blade and hilt in his sleep. 

"Tony."

Hagan looks up, and then sheaths his sword.

"Yeah?"

Herman's mouth twitches affectionately. 

"Nice place."

"I guess." 

"Kids are all packed up. If you're taking that thing then let's go." 

"I am." 

"Then what are you waiting for?" 

They share a quick kiss before stepping out onto the balcony of the house and looking down at the wagon below, where Zach, Mindy, and Woody are having an animated discussion.

"Hey, you kids getting into trouble?" Herman calls down conspiratorially. They look up. 

"Maybe!" 

(In reality, they're debating who gets to kiss Zach first at the moment. They'll settle it soon and be pleased either way. It's a debate of principle.) 

Adam trots up on his new horse, armor fresh. 

"Crystaloake is two weeks' travel to the northeast. Are we ready to go?" 

"Yeah!" Hagan says. Herman stops him, though, from getting to the ladder. 

"I gotta show you something."

"Oh no." 

Herman grabs Hagan's hand and lifts him (albeit slightly unwillingly) onto his back before stepping out onto the air.

"I figured out how to make these motherfuckers fly."

"That's great," Hagan says, strained, "Can you take them down?"

Herman snickers before stalling down some five feet. Hagan covers his mouth. 

"Don't hurl on me, Tony." 

"Take them down." 

Herman takes the last few feet down and out of the tree slower. 

"Never do that to me again."

Herman snickers. 

"Alright. We ready to go?" 

"Yep!" Woody exclaims. 

"If we leave now, we can get to the next town by nightfall, no contest."

"I like those odds," Herman says.

"So. Crystaloake it is." 

Herman hops into the driver's seat. 

"Let's get out of here."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's Lazer Quest. 
> 
> I have greater things planned for this AU- a sequel comes to mind- but also a series of prequels, going into (with more detail) the origins of the characters. There's backstory I haven't shared yet, and backstory some of the characters don't even know about each other! 
> 
> There's also my Lazer Team Playlist Fic series that I have to plug, which is songfics for the main Lazer Team timeline. 
> 
> I don't intend to stop writing LT fic anytime soon!!

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos/comment/bookmark if you liked and be sure to talk to me about this AU on my tumblr, because it sure is consuming my wreck of a life. 
> 
> (http://mttbrand-suffering.tumblr.com!)


End file.
